(Content tags: this article contains discussion of sex, masturbation, mental health diagnoses, C-PTSD, size dysmorphia and AiWS, dissociation, burnout, panic attacks, grief, and shame, balanced with a variety of positive emotions like gratitude, hope, and determination.)
Instructions for Living A Life:
Be astonished. Tell about it.
Achievements in context
This has been a difficult year for so many. As I see the 2022 retrospectives roll past on the timeline, I feel a mix of pride in myself and my own accomplishments, and a wish that I could put some of it in context for anyone else out there who also feels inadequate. If you feel like you haven’t done enough, or if you’re afraid to take a break because you won’t be productive, this is for you.
This year I wrote more fiction than I ever have in my life, more than 120,000 words. That’s clocking in at 2.4 NaNoWriMos! I published 80,000 words to this blog. I recorded and edited six author-read audio tracks. I also wrote a significant amount of nonfiction, including three free community resources, one of which I presented at SizeCon.
I’m very proud of this achievement. And a lot of it has only been possible because my life happened to fall apart in a very specific way. There’s some socioeconomic privilege at work here, and other factors I won’t share for privacy reasons.
My life was in upheaval this year. I experienced two traumatic losses, one of which was to due to COVID in spite of vaccines and boosters. When the living situation at our last place became untenable, my polycule moved again for the second year in a row. I burned out completely on my entire nonprofit career, had two full breakdowns, and took five hiatuses from Twitter/writing that amounted to at least six months of “unproductive” rest and healing.
To go on hiatus is to take a break, or to pause something that has been ongoing.
The first time I went on hiatus in an online kink community, I had a full-on hot mess breakdown. I didn’t know what “hiatus” even meant. I was terrified it would be forever, and I didn’t even know how to reassure myself, let alone the people around me. It was 2016 and I was still new to size kink as a shared experience instead of a shameful secret. I’ve come a long way. I’ve made mistakes and learned a lot. That seems worth sharing.
What this won’t be:
This won’t be an official guide. It won’t be an argument for or against leaving a community temporarily or forever, because only you can know what you need. I won’t talk about what it’s like to go on hiatus when you depend on NSFW Twitter to make money from art, writing, or sex work, because I don’t have personal experience with that yet. (If anyone does, and wants to share some advice, I’ll gladly consider quoting you!)
I also won’t pretend to understand you, your situation, or how you feel about your body or mental health. Some of my advice will be a good fit for you, and some of it you can leave. I’m not a mental health professional, and strongly recommend you consider talking with a counselor or therapist if you even halfway think you might want to try that. (Jump to the end for a list of kink-friendly therapy databases where you can look for sliding-scale and low-cost options.)
What this will be:
Hopefully, this will be a useful collection of my thoughts on my own hiatus process that I’ve developed after years of trial and error and watching friends go through the same. Some come back to the community and some don’t. Some hiatuses are scary. Some are a huge relief.
I’m writing this to you, and to the person I was during my first panicked hiatus. And to the less-than-supportive friend I have been to others going on hiatus. I’ll draw from examples in the size kink / #SizeTwitter community, but I think much of this will be relevant to NSFW Twitter or other online kink spaces in general.
I’m writing to share some questions that you might not have considered, and to point you towards some resources, and to just show that it’s okay to need a break—even from something you love.
(This blog post and story include discussion and themes of noncon/rape, revenge, and humiliation.)
I am fiercely proud of this story. I am proud of myself for writing it, and for being brave enough to post it. “A Scarlet R” is far darker than my usual stories, and helped me process some old pain and fury.
It has taken me a year and seven months to publish it because I told myself I wanted art for the story, and I recorded audio as well (that will be released at a later date), but in truth I just did not have it in me to face these demons again with all the struggle of the pandemic. I have compassion for myself on that, and I’m glad I was able to keep going by writing other stories, and by finding ways to better understand how sexuality works under stress.
I’m pleased to say that I’ve turned a corner in life stress for a number of reasons, and I feel ready to release this now. In more ways than one.
On the merits of anger
Once upon a time, when I was a college student and young witch going to parties at places like the one that inspired this story’s setting, I used to believe anger had no place in my life. Anger was terrifying, anger was destructive. And anger comes with a far higher social cost for women than for men.
In recent years, I have learned the hard way that anger denied can become depression—and that anger harnessed for a cause can also be vital fuel for change.
Anger is usually at least one of two things: a protection, or a protest. The fury I brought to bear on this story is rooted in both of those forces.
Every feminist who has ever
taken the high road will tell you
the high road gets backed up
and sometimes you have to
take a detour directly through
the heart of uncensored rage.
I am so very excited to release the artwork I commissioned from Hollewdz, a talented artist from the #SizeTwitter community who creates gorgeous sexy size play artwork. I know this is a departure from her usual themes, and I appreciate her understanding, attention to detail, and patience with me. Be sure to click into the images for larger versions!
For the record, she worked quickly and efficiently and was done by last February, and the delay was due to my own struggles to revisit the intense themes of this story (plus the stress of the ice storm that shut down Texas that month). I’m excited to finally be able to share her amazing work! Please commission her the next time her comms are open, and support her on Patreon!
“Got you wrapped up in threatening circumstances” – 3-way tie for 1st place
“Featured ‘humiliation’ the best” – tied for 2nd place
“Featured ‘psychological cruelty’ the best”– 5th place
I appreciate the feedback I received for this story. As always, I’m deeply grateful to my beta readers and everyone who read my work and reviewed it.
Here’s what the readers had to say:
“One of my favorite stories. I loved the Shakespeare touches, of course. It didn’t really feel like a cruel story, as I related to the female characters, and the righteousness of their actions.”
“A horrifying catharsis. Like avenging banshees… The group dynamic of women exacting justice was delicious.”
“The opening line is especially striking… Evocative, as brilliant as the eponymous scarlet. It’s the starting march to a cavalcade of righteous shaming… In terms of the cruelty themes, I have to say this was a knock out of the park in terms of “humiliation” and “psychological cruelty”… A very good reversal of power there, and one easy to enjoy vicariously.”
“Your language is so vivid and descriptive. This is a true example of poetic justice. That closing line was so powerful… Simply a fantastic story.”
“Holy shit. I’m shaking. I need a cigarette and I don’t smoke… I can’t say enough good things about this piece. I think of anything I’ve ever read in the sizeplay community, this is the highest art I’ve ever seen.”
Consent and Support for Survivors
Consent: Beyond the realm of fantasy, I do not condone sex acts without consent. Erotic fantasy play between two individuals in reality in person and online should always include negotiation, fully informed consent, and protections such as content tags, safewords, aftercare, and emergency planning. For more sex resources about safe kink and erotic fantasy play, I recommend The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, both by Dossie Eastman and Janet Hardy. A great resource for exploring consent is the Consent Wizard on Instagram, author of the article Should Enthusiasm Be a Requirement for Sex?
Noncon fantasy: Nonconsensual fantasies are common among people of all genders, and if your body responds to these fantasies, you are not alone. Having fantasies where sex acts are forced on you or others does not mean you want to act on them in real life, or that you do not understand trauma or lack compassion for survivors of violence. It means your body responds to a fantasy, and you get to decide what you want to do with that information. We are not our thoughts, and we are not our fantasies. Some survivors find healing and liberation through exploration of noncon fantasies, and that’s okay. Some never want to interact with these themes again, and that’s okay too. As long as every real person involved in your fantasy play (such as you reading my story online) is a fully informed consenting adult, then the act you are participating in is inherently consensual.
Kinky Scribble installment seven! If you’re here for the sexy times, skip to the “read more.” Otherwise, continue below for an update on my inspiration for this story, why this is my first scribble in six months, and my hypothesis for why the sexy words finally, finally came. (Pun intended.)
Inspiration & Responsive vs Spontaneous Sexual Desire
On the surface, my inspiration for this story would seem to originate with this tweet and this tweet. If you ask to go deeper (please, deeper, harder) then I will share with you that the inspiration came from one of my first roleplay sessions with the talented @pseudo_size, a fellow polyamorous kink writer who has brought much inspiration to my life this year. You can read more of his work here, including a fantastic dark noncon commission he did for me in July. This weekend when I found myself fantasizing about two of the characters from that first February session, I messaged him privately to explore the concept, and he was very obliging with his response. It left me thirsty for more, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.
(Content warning for discussion of mental health.) My regular readers know that I’ve been struggling with trauma and a decreased desire for sex a lot this year. I won’t go into that in detail here, but I have learned a lot about the concept of sexual brakes and sexual accelerators, and how arousal works in relation to stress and mental health. My blog post Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20’s explores how I have used size kink in stress cycle exercises to release stress, fight depression, and find my way back to arousal.
Even with all that hard work and experimentation, in the last six months I have found my own turn-ons to be rooted firmly in responsive desire—when your brain only gets turned on when something sexy is already happening—and in my case, it’s mostly in contexts with people I trust a great deal, like my partners. Pre-pandemic, finding my turn-on for writing erotica was as easy as turning a faucet, most days. Spontaneous and fun. But in the last half year, the faucet has required some creative encouragement to function at all. For example, trying to find my turn-on for a sex scene in SizeRiot’s HistoricalJuly20 contest required patience, tremendous effort, and a lot of trial and error. It was a mental puzzle, not a physical inspiration.
So how the hell did I wake up Saturday morning spontaneously fantasizing about sex? After so long, how on earth did I finally feel inspired enough to dash off 1600 words of sensually charged erotica? With no deadline, no contest, no context of a loving partner hoping for my next kiss or my next paragraph?
I’ve only experienced spontaneous sexual desire a few times during the pandemic, and each time came directly after some stressor in my life resolved itself. The work crisis ended with a lucky break. The estranged family member answered my messages. I finally asked for help about something that had me burned out. Within 12-24 hours, each time I found myself experiencing wave after wave of spontaneous arousal. It was as if my body took a deep breath and said, “FINALLY! It’s safe enough for sexy times. Release the arousal!”
A door in my mind opened and erotica came flooding out.
When I shared the story with Pseudo afterward, I blushed hard at his response. “You really turned a quick few sentences about this concept from me into one of the sexiest pieces of size writing I’ve ever read.”
Kinky Scribble recipe & reasoning
A Kinky Scribble is a flash-fiction writing exercise idea I’ve been developing since January 2020, as a tool to break past my anxieties as a writer. Read my past Kinky Scribbles and search the #KinkyScribble tag itself on Twitter.
The strategy is to produce creative content in a short amount of time, give it minimal edits, and then release it into the wild for others to enjoy. My goals are to practice my fiction-writing skills, to produce more content while still reconnecting with the parts of writing I enjoy most, and to re-calibrate my sense of when something is “done enough” to share.
Feel free to join in! Don’t feel obliged to follow my same format of listing my word count and writing/editing times. It’s really useful to me to re-calibrate my time estimates, and to prove to myself that I can make good content in uncomfortably short time frames.
And speaking of comfort zones, I strongly encourage all #KinkyScribble creators to tag their content so that readers can opt in or out with fully informed consent. I’m not perfect about this, but practice has been helping, and I’m committed to doing better in the future.
Tl;Dr: It’s okay if your brain and body want sex when you are stressed. It’s okay if they want it less. Both are normal—even during a pandemic and an uprising. There’s science to prove it. Research also shows that big feelings (like fear of getting sick, or anger at injustice) can be processed and released before they do lasting harm to you or your life. I share excerpts from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are and two others to show how we might be able to use kink to do the same thing.
This article is around 9300 words. If you’re not interested in the neuroscience of sexual brakes and accelerators or why we don’t have sex drives, you can skip to “How to stop stopping: taking your foot (and everything else) off the brake” to learn about using emotions to release stress. If you’re very low on energy and just want help, jump to “Completing the cycle while (ahem) laying in bed” for my recipe on how to use size kink to achieve that catharsis.
(Content tags: This article contains mentions of the pandemic, police brutality, racism, violence, murder, assault, AIDS, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and trauma responses. It also covers topics ranging from BDSM and impact play, to polyamory, to microphilia/macrophilia, and covers size dysmorphia and kink-related fantasies.)
I didn’t expect that it would take a pandemic and a racial justice uprising for me to finally sit down and write a review about a phenomenal book on sex research for my kink blog. Here’s the reason I hope you’ll read this. People are having huge emotional responses that they don’t have the space or tools to fully process; they are also judging others/feeling ashamed for not wanting sex right now, while others are having the same response to those who do want sex right now. Research shows sex desire can decrease for some and increase for others during times of great stress, and that both are normal and healthy. Sex-positive spaces like #SizeTwitter should make space for both responses, and might already be able to provide tools to help process big emotions.
“And so, shrunk down, strapped to a tiny dildo, little more than decoration for a party she should have been hosting, Mora shuddered and spasmed and cried out with her first orgasm of the day.”
Hello, my lovelies! One of my goals for the new year is to share more imperfect writing, so today I’m sharing a Winter Solstice gift: an 11K word sizeplay story featuring lesbian sex at a holiday party, succubus magic, shrinking, objectification, mind control, humiliation, dubcon, unaware, scissoring, mouthplay, insertion, and so many orgasms I literally stopped counting.
🎵it’s the most wonderful time of the year🎵
(because I can trance you to think you’re holiday decor and have you loop thrusting yourself on a dildo like the most nsfw and prettiest ornament on my tree❤️💚❤️💚)
Now that I have more experience on Twitter, I’ve realized in hindsight that writing her fantasy into a story without permission and then quote tweeting her original tweet was not an okay thing to do. Ithaca and I are not mutuals and don’t have any kind of friendship or relationship. I need to own that I didn’t comment on her tweet or DM her to ask permission to explore her idea OR put a size-kink spin on it, and that’s a problem.
We all take inspiration from a lot of places, and people participate in kinky twitter partly as a way to share our fantasies, but do that for a variety of reasons. Sometimes a person is tweeting a fantasy for the purpose of inviting strangers to interact with them in that fantasy; sometimes a person tweets a fantasy with the hope other creatives will take that idea and run with it; but in either case, you don’t know until you ask. Just like a sexy piece of clothing is not an open invitation to do something sexual to a person, sexy tweets are not open invitations to start roleplaying publicly.
This isn’t exactly roleplay, but I didn’t ask. I ran with the idea, and then I basically involved her in my version of the fantasy by quote tweeting her original with my new story inspired by it. That’s a problem, too. If I’d gotten permission and she was into that, quote tweeting in this way would have been a fun way to share the work, give her credit, and promote her account. I think I did it this way because I started in Tumblr, and that platform revolved around sharing and building on others’ work. But it’s not how Twitter works. Doing that without asking was crossing some boundaries, and I am sorry for that. I DM’d her an apology. She was gracious and understanding, and I have decided to leave this up because I would prefer that others be able to learn from my mistake.]
Writing it quickly, sharing it quickly
I wrote it in one marathon writing session, and I’m deliberately giving it to you after only two hours of editing today. Why? Because stories that collect digital dust in my files don’t bring pleasure to anyone. Editing is good, but editing as a way to postpone being vulnerable is not serving my goals as a writer. I have to learn that it’s better to let them go before I’m completely satisfied. (I’ll never be completely satisfied.) In an effort to re-calibrate my sense of “this is good enough to release into the wild,” I’m going to share more content with deliberately fewer rounds of editing. I’m tired of holding back, so I’m going to let myself be imperfect. It seems like the only way forward.
One other thing holding me back is that I know I will need content for Kindle once I begin publishing. I write a story and stare at it, deliberating. Should I post it to my website and share it for free? Should I hold onto it and polish it more and publish it on Kindle? Or is it possible that maybe, just maybe, these questions are keeping me frozen in place, not sharing content or moving closer to my goal of publication?
This story is a little messy. It’s a little dark, because I was in a dark place when I wrote it, and all I wanted was to be owned and objectified and to lose myself in pleasing someone else. There were parts I considered cutting, parts I think need more polish and clarity.
But you know what? Sex is messy, too. I have never had a single experience of perfect sex, and if I had waited for perfection I would have missed so many wonderful, beautiful, intense moments of intimacy and connection with real, genuine, messy, and sexy people. I would never have had any sex at all, and sex is one of my favorite pastimes! So. Fuck perfection. Have some free erotica.
[Update on 11/27/20: I wanted to share this again but couldn’t resist one more round of edits for clarity and consistency. I should probably ask someone to tie me up before I go in for more…]
“It’s magic,” Irena whispered. She, too, ran a finger down Mora’s tiny body and the tiny woman felt more beautiful under their shared gaze than she had in years. She felt strangely powerful, in spite of her size…
Call me Elle Largesse. I’m a sizshifting bisexual polyamorous kinky erotica writer who made my presence known to the “Giant/tiny” community on Tumblr in December of 2015. That community became the safe haven that helped me cope with size dysmorphia, embrace my sexuality, and find new multitudes within myself.
Three years and ten days after beginning this experiment in sensuality, I created this privately hosted website to continue the conversation and share my work on my own terms, with less threat of censorship.
This blog is mostly NSFW / 18 & up only. You’ll find original writing and collages, and occasional RP. Topics covered include shrinking and growth, microphilia and macrophilia.
My name is Elle and my pronouns are she/her. I’m fine with Ms. Elle, Mistress Elle, etc. but please DO NOT CALL ME GODDESS. Ask before you assume my size.
I have a thing for licking, lips, insertion, breast expansion, and obscenely large cocks. I like very softcore “pre-vore” like tongue and mouth play, and that’s about it. I’m not into hardcore violence but I have complex feelings about nonconsensual acts and a bit of a crush on butt crushes. Beware the puns.