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Tag: kink philosophy

Congrats on September Kinky Scribbles

Congratulations to all the participants of my September Kinky Scribbles Challenge! I’m so proud of all the writers in our community who gave this event a try. The goal of the event was to help people write and release stories quickly to help build confidence and have fun seeing what we could create.

Together, twelve participants worked for a cumulative 24.5 hours to write 15 different stories, growing our total collective output to a massive 28,487 words!



Please join me in celebrating and supporting these writers by reading their work and sharing it to your friends! If you’re able, please consider following them on social media and sending a tip or subscribing to their Patreons.

In alphabetical order by author:

Don’t see your story listed here? Check that you followed my parameters, like including content tags and posting it someplace public where I could find the hashtag. You can message me on social media or email me if you think I missed it.

Reminder: this is not a contest and I have some hard limits due to past trauma, so I will not be reading all the stories. I will only include links to public stories, and stories that offer content tags. For accessibility and consent, if your stories include themes from the Top 15 Content Tags and you do not tag them, I will not share those until you add tags at the start of the story. I reserve the right to not feature a story for any reason.


Some compassion & calibrating expectations

I know there are folks out there who may have wanted to start or finish a story and were not able to, because of life or health or the need to rest, or simply not knowing what or how to write the kind of stories you want to see. I am sending you so much love. There have been so many days when I can’t write, either. This event was harder than I thought it would be, because reasons, and I seriously considered bowing out. Controversial opinion hereit would have been okay if I had.

Sometimes these things move in cycles. Sometimes creativity stays out of reach for a long time, and that’s especially true for writing erotica with that added dimension of sexuality. If you’ve never heard of the Dual Control Model of sexuality (I have a short thread on it here) I’d also suggest there’s a similar model for creativity. Sometimes no matter how much we want to be creative, there’s a lot of stuff weighing down our minds and bodies, and we have to take care of those thingsand ourselvesbefore we’re able to explore and go the speed we’d prefer.

pseudo_size and I were talking yesterday about the differences between writing a novel or long story, and writing something like a Kinky Scribble. She pointed out that a scribble actually raises stakes by demanding you write a scene or whole story in 24 hours. Which is true! Some people might find the time frame raises the stakes in a way that doesn’t work for their brain or current situation.

For me, the deadline helps me overcome my desire for perfection because the ridiculous time frame forces me to give up my desire to make it The Best Story I Can Write. I put up with high stakes in timing so that I can benefit from the low stakes of quality.

On the other hand, writing something with a long (or nonexistent) deadline allows for flexibility that’s super important to folks with mental or physical health issues, people caring for kids or older family members, or those with demanding jobs or other responsibilities. There is tremendous freedom in being able to say “Welp, I wrote four words today, but that’s four words that I didn’t have yesterday. If I have more energy/mental clarity/time/quiet tomorrow, I can try again.” Flexibility like this, low stakes in timing, is something that has been vital for pseudo as they write and edit their erotic novel, Eve’s Boutique. 

I know I relied on it too, for my longer projects like Dare You Not to Grow, which came to 14,000 words in six chapters. I wrote the first draft in March of 2022, gave myself eight months to edit the story and seek a beta read, published the first chapter in November of 2022, then promptly took a mental health hiatus that meant the final chapter didn’t see the light of day until February 2023. That’s eleven months. Nearly a year of flexibility, grace, and self-compassion for a single story, because I cared a lot about it and wanted it to be as high quality as I could make it. In these situations, low stakes in timing made it possible for pseudo and I to put high stakes into quality.

In reality, most creative endeavors are probably going to be a balance of these factors. I don’t want people to think I’m advocating for all stories to always be written this way.

Sometimes you want a NaNoWriMo mad dash to the finish line, just to have words on a page you can edit later. Sometimes you want to take a year or more to craft a story with care, making art you are deeply, enduringly proud of. Sometimes you just want to write a story and take your time, but not too much time, and have a balance of time and quality. Different creative projects require different tools. Use whatever feels best for you and your story!

One of my favorite moments this month was when someone told me that this Kinky Scribble Challenge helped them improve as a writer because they participated. I feel the same way. Thank you all for joining me on this wild ride. I’m so proud of us all! Wonderful work, everyone!

2022 Recap on Creativity & Rest

(Content tags: this article contains discussion of sex, masturbation, mental health diagnoses, C-PTSD, size dysmorphia and AiWS, dissociation, burnout, panic attacks, grief, and shame, balanced with a variety of positive emotions like gratitude, hope, and determination.)


Instructions for Living A Life:

Pay attention.
Be astonished.

Tell about it.

—Mary Oliver


Achievements in context

This has been a difficult year for so many. As I see the 2022 retrospectives roll past on the timeline, I feel a mix of pride in myself and my own accomplishments, and a wish that I could put some of it in context for anyone else out there who also feels inadequate. If you feel like you haven’t done enough, or if you’re afraid to take a break because you won’t be productive, this is for you.

This year I wrote more fiction than I ever have in my life, more than 120,000 words. That’s clocking in at 2.4 NaNoWriMos! I published 80,000 words to this blog. I recorded and edited six author-read audio tracks. I also wrote a significant amount of nonfiction, including three free community resources, one of which I presented at SizeCon.

Fiction, poetry, and audio:


A horizontal graph showing word counts from 2021 compared to 2022. In 2021, Elle published 21,000 words of fiction compared to 60,000 in 2022. In 2021, she wrote 34,000 words in total and in 2022 she wrote 120,000 total. Please contact her if you'd like a full list of figures to compare.
Such a long bar graph you have, there. Is that a personal best wordcount in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I’m very proud of this achievement. And a lot of it has only been possible because my life happened to fall apart in a very specific way. There’s some socioeconomic privilege at work here, and other factors I won’t share for privacy reasons.

My life was in upheaval this year. I experienced two traumatic losses, one of which was to due to COVID in spite of vaccines and boosters. When the living situation at our last place became untenable, my polycule moved again for the second year in a row. I burned out completely on my entire nonprofit career, had two full breakdowns, and took five hiatuses from Twitter/writing that amounted to at least six months of “unproductive” rest and healing.

Size Erotica: If You Could Be a Sex Toy

I’m celebrating the start of spooky season by releasing a size kink transformation fantasy! Skip to the story content section if you want to jump right in.

I’m a witch all year round, but I like leaning into it during this time of year. Witches in kinky erotica combine some of my favorite tropes: power exchange, feminine domination, and changes like growth or shrinking without need for explanation. It also opens the door to darker elements, depending on my mood.

I wrote this while on hiatus, intending to release it without edits as a kinky scribble. I kept coming back to it, though, as one of the few things that turned me on during my month-long break. At 5560 words, with three rounds of edits, and five separate orgasms, I have to admit this thing is no longer a scribble. It’s a happy, sexy mess, and it’s time for me to let it go.

I suspect I’ve been hanging onto it out of a vague sense of embarrassment. This “living dildo” kink is one of my classic go-to erotic fantasies, but I don’t see it represented often. I almost used it for Cocktober back in 2019, but was too shy and ended up writing Trick, Treat instead. This kink also tied to one of my early mistakes in the size kink community, so there’s part of me that wants to tuck it in a drawer and pretend I never get off to this, never wrote 5,000 words about how hot I find it, and definitely never made questionable choices because of it. But, as I wrote in the Twitter thread linked above, “BDSM is a skillset, a culture, a language. We need space for people to learn safely AND a place for people to make mistakes to learn.” Hiding this kink because I made a mistake that mortified me doesn’t help anyone. Sharing a whole story instead is one way for me to fight shame and give myself the same grace and acceptance I know we all deserve.

Anyway, I don’t know how much of my size kink audience will be here for a transformation scene like this, but sometimes writing kinky stories is just about having a fantasy that turns you on and leaning into it, just because it feels good. This is what felt good to me. If it’s the kind of thing that feels good to you, too, then I hope you enjoy it!

(If not, well, stick around. I have some more mainstream stories coming soon!)

Oh, and one more note. The “prose poetry orgasms” at the end were a total experiment. Sometimes when I spend a lot of time with mind control kinks, I start thinking more in kinky poetry and less in prose. If it helps, know that I wrote most of that part one-handed~


Support the author

Money is tight right now. I have multiple works of fiction in progress, ranging from wholesome to kinky as fuck. I’d like to continue releasing them here for free.

If you enjoy this story and want to see/hear more like it, the best way to do that is to support me financially. The few donations I get usually go right into commissioning art and paying beta readers. (The second best way is to boost the signal on my stories and encourage your friends to support me, too.) Thanks, y’all!


Story synopsis

Kim convinces her friends to join her at a sex toy party hosted by the richest woman in town, hoping they’ll forget their troubles for one magical night. But as they all find out the hard way, the real magic is the sex toys they become along the way.


Story content

Tagging is the only way I know for people online to be able to opt in or out of a sexual experience with fully informed consent. I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.

Tags for this story include:

Content tags: F/f, shrinking, growing, noncon, mind control, mild bimbofication, mention of spanking, objectification, transformation, genital transformation, lady with a cock, growth of cock and balls, disproportionate growth, living dildo, mild humiliation, helplessness, worship, and prose poetry orgasms


Read the story

TEXT VERSION: Read the text version of the story behind the cut.

AUDIO VERSION: I do not currently have plans to record audio for this story. If I get enough requests, however, I will reconsider.

Hiatus How To: When, how & why to take a break from NSFW Twitter

(CW for discussion of mental health, depression, addiction, abuse, trauma, and anxiety.)

Topics in this article


To go on hiatus is to take a break, or to pause something that has been ongoing.

The first time I went on hiatus in an online kink community, I had a full-on hot mess breakdown. I didn’t know what “hiatus” even meant. I was terrified it would be forever, and I didn’t even know how to reassure myself, let alone the people around me. It was 2016 and I was still new to size kink as a shared experience instead of a shameful secret. I’ve come a long way. I’ve made mistakes and learned a lot. That seems worth sharing.

What this won’t be:

This won’t be an official guide. It won’t be an argument for or against leaving a community temporarily or forever, because only you can know what you need. I won’t talk about what it’s like to go on hiatus when you depend on NSFW Twitter to make money from art, writing, or sex work, because I don’t have personal experience with that yet. (If anyone does, and wants to share some advice, I’ll gladly consider quoting you!)

I also won’t pretend to understand you, your situation, or how you feel about your body or mental health. Some of my advice will be a good fit for you, and some of it you can leave. I’m not a mental health professional, and strongly recommend you consider talking with a counselor or therapist if you even halfway think you might want to try that. (Jump to the end for a list of kink-friendly therapy databases where you can look for sliding-scale and low-cost options.)

What this will be:

Hopefully, this will be a useful collection of my thoughts on my own hiatus process that I’ve developed after years of trial and error and watching friends go through the same. Some come back to the community and some don’t. Some hiatuses are scary. Some are a huge relief.

I’m writing this to you, and to the person I was during my first panicked hiatus. And to the less-than-supportive friend I have been to others going on hiatus. I’ll draw from examples in the size kink / #SizeTwitter community, but I think much of this will be relevant to NSFW Twitter or other online kink spaces in general.

I’m writing to share some questions that you might not have considered, and to point you towards some resources, and to just show that it’s okay to need a break—even from something you love.

Embracing My Inner Size Slut

I wrote this while releasing my story “Woman, in Ecstasy,” and it was so fascinating to explore that I realized it needed its own space to grow. Updated in January 2023 with more research.

(This blog post contains discussion of agency, bodily autonomy; nonconsensual themes in size play, hypnosis, mind control and bimbofication; discussion of research on sexual fantasies around forced sex; mentions of trauma and resources for survivors of sexual assault.)

Why am I writing a story about a woman losing her agency? Why am I releasing it right now, as American women are grieving the overturn of Roe v. Wade?

The short answer is that I began writing this back in April, and it’s done, and I want to share it.

The long answer? My body responds to fantasies about giving up control, especially when I’m stressed. I’m far from alone in this. Many people have fantasies about someone forcing them to do the sexy things they find most arousing. My first kink-informed therapist told me that she believed “it’s a way to give ourselves permission to explore pleasures that society tells us are taboo.”

For example, up until recently I was too ashamed of my bimbofication kink to speak openly about it or write stories featuring it as a topic. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being intelligent, competent, and a good communicator—both verbally and in writing. I was afraid what it said about me that sometimes I want to be a carefree, cheerfully vapid slut. Even though I know feminism is about having choices, part of me felt guilty for playing this way. Could I be a good feminist while still making this particular choice? (Yes.)

A fantasy where I become the carefree slut deliberately, on my own, is harder. It’s heavy lifting, mentally, emotionally, and it’s going to take more effort to wade through my discomfort with that taboo. On the flip side, a fantasy where someone takes that choice away from me and forces me to become that version of myself? It’s as easy as handing the keys to the designated driver. I can slide right into that mindset, I can skip the shame and the stress and feel like I have permission to accept all the pleasure.

In recent months, I’ve been stressing a lot about bodily autonomy. Sometimes we want to avoid stressful topics when we explore erotic things. Other times, it feels really good to use stressful topics in erotic ways, to process our feelings and reclaim a sense of agency.

True, it’s ironic I’m reaffirming my agency by writing a story eroticizing a loss of control and bodily autonomy… but it’s still my choice. I wrote this story on my terms, to explore these themes in ways that feel really good to me. (Literally, each time I had to make a decision about where to take the story, I chose the option that turned my body on the most.) I’m releasing the story now in the hopes that if someone else out there needs to process stress in this way too, it’s here.

On a personal level, I’m releasing it now because I genuinely need it now. I’ve been struggling with boundaries and giving myself permission to rest. It wasn’t until this week that I realized I wrote a story focusing on the fantasy of someone taking away my shaky boundaries and imposing new ones: permission to have sex and rest from my anxious thoughts. Even just typing that sentence makes me want to sigh with relief. Fuck, just take me now!

The more stressful my career has become, the deeper my burnout in the nonprofit field, the more power these mind control and bimbo fantasies hold for me. When a lot of heavy things are on my sexual brakes, it’s hard to feel sexy no matter how much I press that accelerator. I’ve discovered that when I try a mind control fantasy, that someone is forcing me to become aroused, it’s a fantastic workaround. Examples might be shrinking or growing potions with aphrodisia as a side effect, or a remote control with buttons to increase arousal. For me, for most of the time, it works like a charm. Instant slut! I can set the stress aside. (Oh honey, sex toys don’t worry about all those things. Let the big people handle that. You just focus on shrinking and being sexy, okay?)

I began experimenting with hypnosis as a kink to help myself sink into that slutty, happy bimbo mindset, to lay down my mental load, and to carve out a little breathing room of peaceful pleasure. It worked partly because I was giving up control to someone else: the hypnokink Domme, a partner I trust, or characters I imagined in my fantasies. Usually someone bigger.

Giant/tiny fantasies almost always have to address the topic of control. Many people are drawn to the idea of a larger person making the decisions and having the power to do whatever they want (it just so happens that in our fantasies the Giant can magically know every nuance of just how we like it). Tinies are often depicted as helpless and have their abilities and bodily autonomy challenged.

In consensual sizeplay fantasies, the topic of control is usually addressed by demonstrating trust, communication, and a caring relationship where the Giant could take full control, but chooses to share it with the tiny in some way. (Examples: a Giant asking the tiny what they want, or a Giant taking care of a tiny by forcing them to rest and snuggle with them, but who stops when the tiny asks to stop.) This is a pretty good model for healthy relationships in general, and it’s what I practice in real life with my own partners.

In nonconsensual sizeplay fantasies, control is usually addressed by bullying, coercion, and denial of a person’s ability to make choices, sometimes through objectification (treating someone like a toy or pet… or a work of art). Dubcon (dubious consent) fantasies are a way to try and have it both ways, by stepping into the gray area of unclear communication, or a tiny who resists but seems to enjoy it, without ever clearly saying yes or no.

If you get turned on by these things too, and you also have had a crisis of identity, faith, or basic humanity about it… you’re not alone.

The Netflix documentary Sex Explained, narrated by the ever-amazing Janelle Monáe, covers the work of sex researcher Justin Lehmiller. A fellow of the Kinsey Institute, in 2018 Lehmiller surveyed almost 4200 Americans from all 50 states, “ranging in age from 18 to 87, ranging all different gender identities, sexual orientations, demographic and political backgrounds,” and asked them hundreds of questions.

His research showed that most people have fantasies: 97% had imagined an arousing sexual scenario. Fantasies fell into three broad genres: group sex, novelty, and power/control fantasies, with 27% of people rating power/control as their favorite kind of fantasy.

  • 79% of people had a bondage fantasy (restraining someone or being restrained)
  • 57% of people had a discipline fantasy (giving or following orders)
  • 73% of people had fantasies about pain (inflicting or receiving it)

Here’s the statistic I find most fascinating:

  • 54% of men, 61% of women, and 68% of nonbinary people had fantasized about being forced to have sex

If you have nonconsensual fantasies, you are not alone. 

The documentary mentions that “a 1987 survey of historical American romance novels, which are written and read mostly by women, found that more than half featured the rape of the lead female character.” The documentary then speculated that this was a way for American culture of the time to go about “absolving the heroine from the moral slur of consenting to have sexual intercourse before marriage,” according to one researcher.

So, where do we draw the line between contributing to rape culture and exploring our very common forced-sex fantasies? I believe the key is making it clear what is fantasy, and what is and is not acceptable in real life. I can’t imagine any of those romance novels offered any introduction with a discussion of consent, or what a reader should do if they found these themes appearing in their own lives.

Some years ago I worked at a nonprofit helping survivors of abuse and sexual assault. I learned a great deal about the complexity of these issues and how to fight to build a culture of consent. I also learned a lot about myself. I had a crisis about what it meant that my body responded to nonconsensual erotic fantasies. Finding my first kink-informed therapist made all the difference in the world.

I’ve written about this elsewhere, but it’s worth repeating what I learned from her:

Having fantasies where sex acts are forced on you or others does not mean you want to act on them in real life, or that you do not understand trauma or lack compassion for survivors of violence. It means your body responds to a fantasy, and you get to decide what you want to do with that information. We are not our thoughts, and we are not our fantasies. Some survivors find healing and liberation through exploration of noncon fantasies, and that’s okay. Some never want to interact with these themes again, and that’s okay too. As long as every real person involved in your fantasy play (such as you reading my story online) is a fully informed consenting adult, then the act you are participating in is inherently consensual.

A fantasy that I have for myself, or that I share with my consenting partner, is inherently consensual. That’s true even if the topic of the fantasy is pretending that I’m being forced against my will. If I fantasize that a Giant picks me up and shoves me in her panties without asking first, I am consenting to my own fantasy. If I explain my fantasy and ask my partner to roleplay that with me and they say yes, they are consenting to my fantasy. All the real people involved are able to say no and stop the fantasy at any point.

As a writer, I make sure to include content tags at the beginnings of my stories and fantasies so people can opt in or out with informed consent. I also make a practice of sharing resources for survivors whenever I publish noncon stories. Feel free to copy and adapt them as needed:

Beyond the realm of fantasy, I do not condone sex acts without consent. Erotic fantasy play between two individuals in reality in person and online should always include negotiation, fully informed consent, and protections such as content tags, safewords, aftercare, and emergency planning.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual harassment, trauma, abuse, or assault, I strongly suggest seeking advice and counseling from trained professionals. These are usually free and confidential. Some organizations that offer free resources are: RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) hotline at 800-656-HOPE; National Sexual Violence Resource Center to search for local help; Trans Lifeline Crisis Hotline by and for the transgender community at 877-565-8860; National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

We really need to take care of each other and ourselves right now. Be gentle with yourself. Set boundaries. Give yourself permission to “be lazy” if that’s what your brain and body need. Figure out how your body in particular asks you for different kinds of rest, like mental downtime or peace and quiet. Find ways to listen. If your brain and body don’t feel good about reading “Woman in Ecstasy” right now—if “all parts of yourself don’t consent to exploring this today” like my EMDR therapist would put it—then it’s okay to say no. You can come back later and see if your brain and body give you a different answer on a different day. It’s okay if it stays a no.

The most important thing is to listen to your body and decide what’s right for you. After all, no matter how much we fantasize otherwise, you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you.

And, as always, my gratitude to everyone else out there living your best slutty kink lives. You have no idea how much you help other folks. Keep being yourselves.

Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20’s


Tl;Dr: It’s okay if your brain and body want sex when you are stressed. It’s okay if they want it less. Both are normal—even during a pandemic and an uprising. There’s science to prove it. Research also shows that big feelings (like fear of getting sick, or anger at injustice) can be processed and released before they do lasting harm to you or your life. I share excerpts from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are and two others to show how we might be able to use kink to do the same thing. 

This article is around 9300 words. If you’re not interested in the neuroscience of sexual brakes and accelerators or why we don’t have sex drives, you can skip to “How to stop stopping: taking your foot (and everything else) off the brake” to learn about using emotions to release stress. If you’re very low on energy and just want help, jump to “Completing the cycle while (ahem) laying in bed” for my recipe on how to use size kink to achieve that catharsis.

(Content tags: This article contains mentions of the pandemic, police brutality, racism, violence, murder, assault, AIDS, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and trauma responses. It also covers topics ranging from BDSM and impact play, to polyamory, to microphilia/macrophilia, and covers size dysmorphia and kink-related fantasies.)

I didn’t expect that it would take a pandemic and a racial justice uprising for me to finally sit down and write a review about a phenomenal book on sex research for my kink blog. Here’s the reason I hope you’ll read this. People are having huge emotional responses that they don’t have the space or tools to fully process; they are also judging others/feeling ashamed for not wanting sex right now, while others are having the same response to those who do want sex right now. Research shows sex desire can decrease for some and increase for others during times of great stress, and that both are normal and healthy. Sex-positive spaces like #SizeTwitter should make space for both responses, and might already be able to provide tools to help process big emotions.

Taking Up Space

Portrait of Elle Largesse by DTV_art
Portrait of Elle Largesse by the talented DTV_art,

Last weekend I reached 700 followers as @mightytinygiant on Twitter, and have decided to celebrate by sharing two things that are important to me. After nearly half a year on hiatus to heal from depression, it’s good to be back. I’m grateful for all the support I’ve received and the messages urging me to take care of myself. The writer is worth more than what they write.

The first thing I’m thrilled to share is this gorgeous portrait of me by the talented and friendly DTV_art. I have admired her work for years, since I first laid eyes on her Tumblr treasure trove of lovely queer Giantess girlfriends and sizeshifter boyfriends and so many gorgeous Giant/tiny moments. Trust me, she is so incredibly skilled and talented and awesome and her work is queer-friendly and romantic AF. I am humbled by the way she took my photograph and translated me into my most femme-tastic witchy woman sizeshifter self. As of this writing, she is still open for commissions!

The second celebratory tidbit I’m sharing with you lovely folks today is one of my favorite pieces of writing, first shared on Tumblr, January 12, 2016. I was struggling then with depression and size dysmorphia, just like I have been this year. I have made huge strides this summer with therapy—thank the Gods for sex-positive, kink-positive, polyam-friendly therapy—and for insurance to help me afford it. More people should have access to that kind of healing.

That support has given me the hope I needed to delve into my feelings about my body and my writing. I’ve been revisiting what I love most about what I’ve written. I’ve been working on befriending my body and accepting that the way she feels large or small may actually be healthy for me, even if it’s not a thing people commonly feel. Commissioning a portrait of myself as a new avatar is part of that work, and I’m grateful for DTV working with me to get it right.

It’s okay to feel small. It’s okay to feel large. It’s okay to take up whatever space you need to take up, in this world. I need this reminder now, as much as I ever have. Maybe you do, too.



Sometimes when you grow, you’re scared of ruining your clothes or destroying your favorite pair of shoes. Sometimes you’re just scared of how they constrict you, how a necklace could choke you or a beloved coat could trap you like a straight-jacket. But not always.

Sometimes when you grow, shredding through your layers of fabric and fashion feels better than breaking a chain with your bare hands. You’re no longer made for the world of thrift shop jeans or business casual blouses. You can stop worrying if it looks wrong. It belongs to the person you used to be when you still apologized for taking up space.

Small wonder, then, when you stretch your shoulders just to feel the seams tear. When you breathe deeply so the hooks on your bra unbend themselves, unable to hold the glory of your breasts as they grow in size, weight, and consequence. You roll your hips and savor the shredding sound of that pencil skirt you used to love, which has been too small for far too long. It slips to the ground like a memory, followed quickly by the remains of your panties. The lace surrendered by unknitting itself. It wasn’t up to the task of containing the beauty of your other massive assets.

Tearing through the leather on your high heels seems almost obscene, but deep down you offer it like a sacrifice. Your bare feet fill the ground with presence. The crown of your head lifts above the crowd where you walked alone in your smallness.

You feel your own beauty as you never have before. With awe and gratitude and no regrets. You see the world differently and know yourself fully as you grow in all directions, pushing outward, but especially upward.

You have every right to stand tall no matter your size. Breathe deeply in the body that bears your heart, and never apologize again.

Size Dysmorphia: A Sizeshifter Origin Story

A small, pale human figure is shown reclining in a red and pink anatomical depiction of a heart. Veins, arteries, and capillaries twine around the tiny person's arms and legs like tree roots. Artwork credit to Shelia Liu.

Heart, by Shelia Liu[Shared under a Creative Commons Attribution, NonCommercial, NoDerivatives 4.0 License.]

Content warnings: some NSFW artwork and language, discussion of body dysmorphic disorder, gender dysphoria, grief, gun violence, depression, neurodivergence, kink, microphilia, macrophilia, and shame

See my Size Dysmorphia / Size Euphoria page for a shorter introduction to these concepts and updated information after my 2021 diagnosis of Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.


Introduction: arguments with my body

It won’t surprise you that I’m sitting at a table in a chair with my feet on the ground, while my hands type comfortably on a laptop. You—and most of the people who know and love me—might be intrigued to know that my senses also tell me I can lift my hand and touch the ceiling with no trouble, because it’s dangerously close to brushing my head.

Would you like me to open the front door, fifteen feet away? It’s within easy reach. Or, at least, that’s the argument my body makes.

My senses agree I’m sitting at the table in the usual way, but they also feed me contradictory information about the walls seeming to close in around me, about how there’s no space for my knees and legs between the table and the wall, no way this chair should be able to support my weight, and no way that my fingers could possibly type on a laptop that feels like a toy for a doll.

If I close my eyes, the sensation intensifies and logic takes a backseat to a kinesthetic awareness of overwhelming size. Some days I feel overwhelming smallness instead, as if everything is huge and heavy and beyond my isolated reach.

Luckily for me, if I open my eyes again, I’m able to use the visual information to combat the strange, contradictory physical information. I concentrate on the evidence of my eyes and wage a war against my kinesthetic senses—the same kind of battle I’ve been fighting quietly since childhood.

In some circles, this experience is known as size dysmorphia: a sense that your body’s size feels larger or smaller than you know it to be.

I know that I stand five feet, two inches tall. I know that my body does not change in size. And yet, it’s as if some ancient part of my brain and body refuse to completely accept this data.

Sometimes it happens without warning, like a radio shifting channels and offering music and static from two different stations. Sometimes I go for days without noticing anything unusual, my broadcast uninterrupted on a steady playlist of “five-foot-two” with no interruptions.

When I feel a sizeshift coming on, sometimes I groan inwardly and grit my teeth. Other times, I try to induce the feeling myself, just for the sheer joy and arousal and exhilaration of it. Few sensations are as empowering as a sense that you stand twice as tall as everyone around you.

Until about three years ago, I refused to tell anyone.

I assumed I would take the secret to my grave.