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Category: Kink Philosophy

Hiatus How To: When, how & why to take a break from NSFW Twitter

(CW for discussion of mental health, depression, abuse, trauma, and anxiety.)

 

To go on hiatus is to take a break, or to pause something that has been ongoing.

The first time I went on hiatus in an online kink community, I had a full-on hot mess breakdown. I didn’t know what “hiatus” even meant. I was terrified it would be forever, and I didn’t even know how to reassure myself, let alone the people around me. It was 2016 and I was still new to size kink as a shared experience instead of a shameful secret. I’ve come a long way. I’ve made mistakes and learned a lot. That seems worth sharing.

What this won’t be:

This won’t be an official guide. It won’t be an argument for or against leaving a community temporarily or forever, because only you can know what you need. I won’t talk about what it’s like to go on hiatus when you depend on NSFW Twitter to make money from art, writing, or sex work, because I don’t have personal experience with that yet. (If anyone does, and wants to share some advice, I’ll gladly consider quoting you!)

I also won’t pretend to understand you, your situation, or how you feel about your body or mental health. Some of my advice will be a good fit for you, and some of it you can leave. I’m not a mental health professional, and strongly recommend you consider talking with a counselor or therapist if you even halfway think you might want to try that. (Jump to the end for a list of kink-friendly therapy databases where you can look for sliding-scale and low-cost options.)

What this will be:

Hopefully, this will be a useful collection of my thoughts on my own hiatus process that I’ve developed after years of trial and error and watching friends go through the same. Some come back to the community and some don’t. Some hiatuses are scary. Some are a huge relief.

I’m writing this to you, and to the person I was during my first panicked hiatus. And to the less-than-supportive friend I have been to others going on hiatus. I’ll draw from examples in the size kink / #SizeTwitter community, but I think much of this will be relevant to NSFW Twitter or other online kink spaces in general.

I’m writing to share some questions that you might not have considered, and to point you towards some resources, and to just show that it’s okay to need a break—even from something you love.

 

Topics I’ll cover

Embracing My Inner Size Slut

I wrote this while releasing my story “Woman, in Ecstasy,” and it was so fascinating to explore that I realized it needed its own space to grow.

(This blog post contains discussion of agency, bodily autonomy; nonconsensual themes in size play, hypnosis, mind control and bimbofication; mentions of trauma and resources for survivors of sexual assault.)

Why am I writing a story about a woman losing her agency? Why am I releasing it right now?

The short answer is that I began writing this back in April, and it’s done, and I want to share it.

The long answer? My body responds to fantasies about giving up control, especially when I’m stressed. I’m far from alone in this. Many people have fantasies about someone forcing them to do the sexy things they find most arousing. My first kink-informed therapist told me that she believed “it’s a way to give ourselves permission to explore pleasures that society tells us are taboo.”

For example, up until recently I was too ashamed of my bimbofication kink to speak openly about it or write stories featuring it as a topic. So much of my identity is wrapped up in being intelligent, competent, and a good communicator—both verbally and in writing. I was afraid what it said about me that sometimes I want to be a carefree, cheerfully vapid slut. Even though I know feminism is about having choices, part of me felt guilty for playing this way. Could I be a good feminist while still making this particular choice? (Yes.)

A fantasy where I become the carefree slut deliberately, on my own, is harder. It’s heavy lifting, mentally, emotionally, and it’s going to take more effort to wade through my discomfort with that taboo. On the flip side, a fantasy where someone takes that choice away from me and forces me to become that version of myself? It’s as easy as handing the keys to the designated driver. I can slide right into that mindset, I can skip the shame and the stress and feel like I have permission to accept all the pleasure.

In recent months, I’ve been stressing a lot about bodily autonomy. Sometimes we want to avoid stressful topics when we explore erotic things. Other times, it feels really good to use stressful topics in erotic ways, to process our feelings and reclaim a sense of agency.

True, it’s ironic I’m reaffirming my agency by writing a story eroticizing a loss of control and bodily autonomy… but it’s still my choice. I wrote this story on my terms, to explore these themes in ways that feel really good to me. (Literally, each time I had to make a decision about where to take the story, I chose the option that turned my body on the most.) I’m releasing the story now in the hopes that if someone else out there needs to process stress in this way too, it’s here.

On a personal level, I’m releasing it now because I genuinely need it now. I’ve been struggling with boundaries and giving myself permission to rest. It wasn’t until this week that I realized I wrote a story focusing on the fantasy of someone taking away my shaky boundaries and imposing new ones: permission to have sex and rest from my anxious thoughts. Even just typing that sentence makes me want to sigh with relief. Fuck, just take me now!

The more stressful my career has become, the deeper my burnout in the nonprofit field, the more power these mind control and bimbo fantasies hold for me. When a lot of heavy things are on my sexual brakes, it’s hard to feel sexy no matter how much I press that accelerator. I’ve discovered that when I try a mind control fantasy, that someone is forcing me to become aroused, it’s a fantastic workaround. Examples might be shrinking or growing potions with aphrodisia as a side effect, or a remote control with buttons to increase arousal. For me, for most of the time, it works like a charm. Instant slut! I can set the stress aside. (Oh honey, sex toys don’t worry about all those things. Let the big people handle that. You just focus on shrinking and being sexy, okay?)

I began experimenting with hypnosis as a kink to help myself sink into that slutty, happy bimbo mindset, to lay down my mental load, and to carve out a little breathing room of peaceful pleasure. It worked partly because I was giving up control to someone else: the hypnokink Domme, a partner I trust, or characters I imagined in my fantasies. Usually someone bigger.

Giant/tiny fantasies almost always have to address the topic of control. Many people are drawn to the idea of a larger person making the decisions and having the power to do whatever they want (it just so happens that in our fantasies the Giant can magically know every nuance of just how we like it). Tinies are often depicted as helpless and have their abilities and bodily autonomy challenged.

In consensual sizeplay fantasies, the topic of control is usually addressed by demonstrating trust, communication, and a caring relationship where the Giant could take full control, but chooses to share it with the tiny in some way. (Examples: a Giant asking the tiny what they want, or a Giant taking care of a tiny by forcing them to rest and snuggle with them, but who would stop if the tiny said no.) This is the ideal situation, it’s a good model for healthy relationships in general, and it’s what I practice in real life with my own partners.

In nonconsensual sizeplay fantasies, control is usually addressed by bullying, coercion, and denial of a person’s ability to make choices, sometimes through objectification (treating someone like a toy or pet… or a work of art). Dubcon (dubious consent) fantasies are a way to try and have it both ways, by stepping into the gray area of unclear communication, or a tiny who resists but seems to enjoy it, without ever clearly saying yes or no.

If you get turned on by these things too, and you also have had a crisis of identity, faith, or basic humanity about it… you’re not alone.

Some years ago I worked at a nonprofit helping survivors of abuse and sexual assault. I learned a great deal about the complexity of these issues and how to fight to build a culture of consent. I also learned a lot about myself. I had a crisis about what it meant that my body responded to nonconsensual erotic fantasies. Finding that kink-informed therapist made all the difference in the world.

I’ve written about this elsewhere, but it’s worth repeating what I learned from her:

Having fantasies where sex acts are forced on you or others does not mean you want to act on them in real life, or that you do not understand trauma or lack compassion for survivors of violence. It means your body responds to a fantasy, and you get to decide what you want to do with that information. We are not our thoughts, and we are not our fantasies. Some survivors find healing and liberation through exploration of noncon fantasies, and that’s okay. Some never want to interact with these themes again, and that’s okay too. As long as every real person involved in your fantasy play (such as you reading my story online) is a fully informed consenting adult, then the act you are participating in is inherently consensual.

A fantasy that I have for myself, or that I share with my consenting partner, is inherently consensual. That’s true even if the topic of the fantasy is pretending that I’m being forced against my will. If I fantasize that a Giant picks me up and shoves me in her panties without asking first, I am consenting to my own fantasy. If I explain my fantasy and ask my partner to roleplay that with me and they say yes, they are consenting to my fantasy. All the real people involved are able to say no and stop the fantasy at any point.

For the record. Beyond the realm of fantasy, I do not condone sex acts without consent. Erotic fantasy play between two individuals in reality in person and online should always include negotiation, fully informed consent, and protections such as content tags, safewords, aftercare, and emergency planning.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual harassment, trauma, abuse, or assault, I strongly suggest seeking advice and counseling from trained professionals. These are usually free and confidential. Some organizations that offer free resources are: RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) hotline at 800-656-HOPE; National Sexual Violence Resource Center to search for local help; Trans Lifeline Crisis Hotline by and for the transgender community at 877-565-8860; National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

We really need to take care of each other and ourselves right now. Be gentle with yourself. Set boundaries. Give yourself permission to “be lazy” if that’s what your brain and body need. Figure out how your body in particular asks you for different kinds of rest, like mental downtime or peace and quiet. Find ways to listen. If your brain and body don’t feel good about reading “Woman in Ecstasy” right now—if “all parts of yourself don’t consent to exploring this today” like my EMDR therapist would put it—then it’s okay to say no. You can come back later and see if your brain and body give you a different answer on a different day. It’s okay if it stays a no.

The most important thing is to listen to your body and decide what’s right for you. After all, no matter how much we fantasize otherwise, you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you.

And, as always, my gratitude to everyone else out there living your best slutty kink lives. You have no idea how much you help other folks. Keep being yourselves.

Size Erotica: Woman, in Ecstasy, Chapter 3

“Woman, in Ecstasy” follows the story of a woman on a date with her boyfriend at a museum of sex. He convinces her to volunteer as part of a kinky art installation, where she grows, shrinks, and becomes a horny slut at the mercy of strangers—one of whom has eyes on her boyfriend. Read Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

In Chapter 3, Noelle grows in more ways than one as she lets go of her stress and focuses on what matters most, like doing whatever it takes to be fucked to climax.

I’ll be unveiling this story in five chapters, each one lewder than the last. I’m proud to be able to offer author-read audio for each installment. This is a way to ensure increased accessibility for members of the kink community who use screen readers, and adds some extra sexiness for my fellow audiophiles.

Scroll to the story content section if you want to jump right to the story.

 

 

Topic & timing

This section grew (heh) into its own kinky blog post, which you can read in full here: Embracing My Inner Size Slut.

(Discussion of agency, bodily autonomy; nonconsensual themes in size play, hypnosis, mind control and bimbofication; mentions of trauma and resources for survivors of sexual assault.)

Why am I writing a story about a woman losing her agency? Why am I releasing it right now?

The short answer is that I began writing this back in April, and it’s done, and I want to share it.

The medium answer? My body responds to fantasies about giving up control, especially when I’m stressed. I’m far from alone in this. Many people have fantasies about someone forcing them to do the sexy things they find most arousing. My first kink-informed therapist told me that she believed “it’s a way to give ourselves permission to explore pleasures that society tells us are taboo.”

In recent months, I’ve been stressing a lot about bodily autonomy. Sometimes we want to avoid stressful topics when we explore erotic things. Other times, it feels really good to use stressful topics in erotic ways, to process our feelings and reclaim a sense of agency.

True, it’s ironic I’m reaffirming my agency by writing a story eroticizing a loss of control and bodily autonomy… but it’s still my choice. I wrote this story on my terms, to explore these themes in ways that feel really good to me. (Literally, each time I had to make a decision about where to take the story, I chose the option that turned my body on the most.) I’m releasing the story now in the hopes that if someone else out there needs to process stress in this way too, it’s here.

I’ve written about this elsewhere, but it’s worth repeating what I learned from her:

Having fantasies where sex acts are forced on you or others does not mean you want to act on them in real life, or that you do not understand trauma or lack compassion for survivors of violence. It means your body responds to a fantasy, and you get to decide what you want to do with that information. We are not our thoughts, and we are not our fantasies. Some survivors find healing and liberation through exploration of noncon fantasies, and that’s okay. Some never want to interact with these themes again, and that’s okay too. As long as every real person involved in your fantasy play (such as you reading my story online) is a fully informed consenting adult, then the act you are participating in is inherently consensual.

A fantasy that I have for myself, or that I share with my consenting partner, is inherently consensual. That’s true even if the topic of the fantasy is pretending that I’m being forced against my will. If I fantasize that a Giant picks me up and shoves me in her panties without asking first, I am consenting to my own fantasy. If I explain my fantasy and ask my partner to roleplay that with me and they say yes, they are consenting to my fantasy. All the real people involved are able to say no and stop the fantasy at any point.

For the record. Beyond the realm of fantasy, I do not condone sex acts without consent. Erotic fantasy play between two individuals in reality in person and online should always include negotiation, fully informed consent, and protections such as content tags, safewords, aftercare, and emergency planning.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual harassment, trauma, abuse, or assault, I strongly suggest seeking advice and counseling from trained professionals. These are usually free and confidential. See my blog post for a full list of resources for survivors.

We really need to take care of each other and ourselves right now. Be gentle with yourself. Set boundaries. Figure out how your body in particular asks you for different kinds of rest, like mental downtime or peace and quiet. Find ways to listen. If your brain and body don’t feel good about reading this story right now—if “all parts of yourself don’t consent to exploring this today” like my EMDR therapist would put it—then it’s okay to say no. You can come back later and see if your brain and body give you a different answer on a different day. It’s okay if it stays a no.

The most important thing is to listen to your body and decide what’s right for you. After all, no matter how much we fantasize otherwise, you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you.

 

Artwork & shout-outs

I’m thrilled and deeply grateful to @pseudo_size for creating this GORGEOUS and sexy render art of one of my favorite moments in the story.

Render art by @pseudo_size of a giantess growing inside a glass room in a museum, while two smaller people look on from outside. A man stands at the controls, and a woman holds a towel closed while smirking down at the giantess, who looks very aroused and has her hand up as if begging. Her breasts are expanding at enormous sizes.
Art by pseudo_size. Do not repost without permission.

It’s no exaggeration to say that this story would not be what it is without pseudo and his help. His skill and empathy in beta reading, his insight into character development, story arcs, strengths and vulnerabilities, all of it helped me tell the story I was trying to tell.

Please go check out his art and writing, including a new story he began sharing for Pride Month, Holding Space. It’s one of the sexiest stories I’ve ever read in the size kink community.

 

Story inspirations

Inspiration for this story comes partly from a place that’s been on my bucket list for years, The Vagina Museum. It’s hardly the only museum of sex, but it is the world’s first bricks-and-mortar museum “dedicated to the gynaecological anatomy.” Learn how to support their work in my introduction to Chapter 1 (and discover why I’ve chosen to depict nonprofits in this way).

 

Support the author

Money is tight right now. I have twelve works of fiction in progress, ranging from wholesome to kinky as fuck. I’d like to continue releasing them here for free.

If you enjoy this story and want to see/hear more like it, the best way to do that is to support me financially. (The second best way is to boost the signal on my stories and encourage your friends to support me, too.) Thanks, y’all!

 

Story content

Tagging is the only way I know for people online to be able to opt in or out of a sexual experience with fully informed consent. I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.

Tags for the story overall will include:

F/m/f, f/M/F, f/F – (shrinking, growth, public play, exhibitionism, breast & ass expansion, humiliation, objectification, dubcon/noncon, mind control, intelligence play/bimbofication, hypnosis, begging, orgasm denial, jealousy, cuckolding, BDSM, voyeurism, masturbation, entrapment, claustrophobia mention, licking, sucking on fingers and feet, kisses, insertion, cunnilingus, penetration, and “bigger on the inside” magic for fucking tinies.)

Tags for this chapter in particular include:

F/m/f, f/M/F – (shrinking, growth, public play, exhibitionism, breast & ass expansion, humiliation, objectification, dubcon/noncon, mind control, intelligence play/bimbofication, begging, orgasm denial, cuckolding, BDSM, entrapment, claustrophobia mention, and “bigger on the inside” magic for fucking tinies.)

 

 

Read the story

AUDIO VERSION: Listen to an 18-minute author-read version of the story here.

I recorded this audio in a single take, and this is my first time editing my own audio, so please go easy on me. If you’d like to help me buy a bonafide mic and a pop filter to make the sound quality better for future recordings, I’d welcome donations of any size.

TEXT VERSION: Read the text version of the story behind the cut.

 

Size Erotica: Carried Away

(Themes include unexpected growth, building destruction, some physical danger for the Giant and the tiny, a Giant in a tight space, bruises and light injury, breast play, oral sex, vaginal insertion, some feelings, and puns.) Click here if you want to jump right to the story.

 

Sex + humor + size kink

Sometimes you just want to write some funny sex scenes. And sometimes those sex scenes grow into stories in their own right.

I’m pleased to present Carried Away, a 5000-word F/f growth story inspired by @SunnyDLiteNSFW and this tweet:

I’m not quite sure how, but that idea grew into this:

“Right here. Right now. Focus on me and how I feel inside you.” Carrie raised her hips ever so slightly, tightening her muscles in response. They moaned together, heedless of the rubble shifting around them. 

“Oh, God, Meg.” Carrie’s heartbeat was pounding. She accidentally swelled larger, her hands gripping a broken table and a metal filing cabinet so hard that one splintered and the other dented. She rocked her hips slightly, a begging motion, the universal signal for fuck me harder.

They sank into a rhythm, a dangerous, devil-may-care rhythm. She felt like a dragon twined around a castle tower, powerful and sensual. Meg was working magic inside her, like a tiny brave and bewitching sorceress. Carrie moaned into the wind and inched larger from sheer arousal. She should hold still. She knew she should. 

 

Many thanks to @pseudo_size for beta reading and providing edits! It became a much stronger story with your suggestions.

 

 

Support the author

Money is tight right now. I have many works of fiction in progress, ranging from wholesome to kinky as fuck. I’d like to continue releasing them here for free.

If you enjoy this story and want to see/hear more like it, the best way to do that is to support me financially. (The second best way is to boost the signal on my stories and encourage your friends to support me, too.) Thanks, y’all!

 

Insertion—but from whose perspective?

Something occurred to me as I was writing and tinkering with point of view. It’s so rare to see a size kink insertion scene written from the perspective of the person being penetrated.

Anyone like me who’s a fan of insertion is probably familiar with the sensual tropes of a tiny’s POV as they admire, explore, and enter the body of a larger person. For me, when I’m feeling tiny, I get off the thought of being overwhelmed by the power of someone’s body. The incredible intimacy of experiencing your loving partner that way. Or the more intense fantasies that involve helplessness, humiliation, objectification, and darker themes. There’s a lot to like, no matter your interests.

The most common trope features a tiny man inserted into the vagina of a Giantess. Sometimes you’ll see a Giantess and a tiny woman. More rarely, other gender combinations.

Out of curiosity, I went to GiantessWorld.net, pulled up the insertion tag, and kept a tally of how many stories included F/f content. Full disclosure, I got bored of this after about eleven pages of scrolling. But out of roughly 220 stories, I counted about 65 that had F/f, or 29%. The GW tagging system doesn’t offer a category for the POV of the stories, but anyone who’s enjoyed this trope for long knows that most of them center the tiny’s perspective.

It would erase many genders represented in this kink community to say that centering the tiny’s perspective effectively centered the male gaze. But for many years, the people in the world most likely to create and commission kinky content were the ones with extra money and leisure time. So the artwork and erotica skewed towards the cis, straight, male gaze.

(“Male gaze” is a term coined by film critic Laura Mulvey in 1973 that describes the cinematic angle of a heterosexual man on a woman. “Essentially, the male gaze sees the female body as something for the heterosexual male (or patriarchal society as a whole) to watch, conquer, and possess and use to further their goals,” she wrote. Studies show it increases self-objectification and body shame in women. Luckily, careful and mindful application of kink is one way that a person can process feelings like that, but I digress.)

 

Some queer size kink history

Then Tumblr burst onto the scene. And revolutionized women’s sexual exploration and expression online. Especially queer women.

Finding the Giant/tiny size kink community on Tumblr in 2015 changed my life, because I was able to see I wasn’t an outlier as a woman in a space full of men. I was one of many women with this kink, in a space where male-centered content had reason to be vastly over-represented.

Tumblr changed all of that and empowered us to create and share the kinky fantasies that centered other perspectives.

From Elle Magazine’s 2018 article: Tumblr Was A Safe Space For Women To Consume Porn. Now It’s Banning Adult Content.

“With Tumblr, I was able to find and curate my site to my tastes, that’s what made it different,” she said. “I didn’t have to rely on mainstream adult content to tell me what should turn me on. [That] same drive to find sexual content that mirrors our own desires is the reason Tumblr porn was [or] is so popular with many women. The fact is A LOT of women consume and view porn… Less adult content focused on the male gaze and more focused on mutual pleasure and pleasuring — that’s what there needs to be more of and what Tumblr was able to foster.”

“Tumblr is the only website where if you search a tag like #lesbian you’ll get sex education, erotica, fan fiction, porn, coming out stories, and fashion.”

That ability to curate and tag search — Chase calls Tumblr “Pinterest for sex” — was instrumental. Sex could be ruled by sensibility, allowing vulnerable and underprivileged communities to connect and start exchanging real information along with nudes. To this day, the top-reviewed and most-followed porn Tumblrs include not just explicit-content curators, but blogs like Orgasmic Tips for Girls, which teaches women how to masturbate, or xxuntilweod, which mixes relatively vanilla clips of women kissing and holding hands with more graphic images of lesbian sex, letting women explore a whole range of queer intimacy without either sensationalizing or censoring it.

As the article points out, Tumblr banned NSFW content in 2018 thanks to SESTA/FOSTA legislation, and many queer and kink communities scattered to the four winds. Some of us made the jump to Twitter, Discord, or created our own blogs like this one.

I remember the frantic efforts we all made to back up our blogs and writing, which weren’t very successful. It hurts to think of all the content that I technically have, with garbled code, collecting dust in my cloud storage. I can share it here, but it would take a lot of effort to excavate it, and besides, the collaborative environment where those stories came to life are gone. It’s not quite the same.

And on a wider scale, so much was lost, but especially queer femme stories and perspectives. I miss the conversations badly. If I had shared these thoughts and this story on Tumblr, people would reblog it with their own comments, ideas, essays, stories, and it would just grow like this beautiful organic thing. Like a community mural, where people would pass by it from time to time and add more of themselves and their fantasies.

 

You said this was gonna be a funny story. WTF?

I know this is a serious introduction for a fun post. But it was on my mind when I realized the last time I saw an insertion scene from the perspective of a Giantess was on Tumblr.

I can’t even remember who wrote it. Was it one of those slap-dash collaborative efforts, where we built on each others’ work to riff off each other, challenge each other? Was it public roleplay? Or prose? A poem? Was it a simple exploration, a few paragraphs of pleasure? I can’t even recall details enough to ask my fellow alumni from the school of Tumblr sexual expression if they remember what I’m talking about.

The point is, plenty of people in this community don’t identify as male and exclusively tiny. And we deserve to see our own pleasure represented in size kink stories. Because sometimes I want to be overwhelmed—and sometimes I want to be the one who’s overwhelming.

The only solution I can think of is to create more content. Be the porn you want to see in the world!

 

Read the story

 

Carried Away

By Elle Largesse

Copyright 2021, all rights reserved

5084 words

 

Themes include unexpected growth, building destruction, some physical danger for the Giant and the tiny, a Giant in a tight space, bruises and light injury, breast play, oral sex, vaginal insertion, some feelings, and puns.

Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20’s

 

Tl;Dr: It’s okay if your brain and body want sex when you are stressed. It’s okay if they want it less. Both are normal—even during a pandemic and an uprising. There’s science to prove it. Research also shows that big feelings (like fear of getting sick, or anger at injustice) can be processed and released before they do lasting harm to you or your life. I share excerpts from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are and two others to show how we might be able to use kink to do the same thing. 

This article is around 9300 words. If you’re not interested in the neuroscience of sexual brakes and accelerators or why we don’t have sex drives, you can skip to “How to stop stopping: taking your foot (and everything else) off the brake” to learn about using emotions to release stress. If you’re very low on energy and just want help, go to “Completing the cycle while (ahem) laying in bed” for my recipe on how to use size kink to achieve that catharsis.

(Content tags: This article contains mentions of the pandemic, police brutality, racism, violence, murder, assault, AIDS, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and trauma responses. It also covers topics ranging from BDSM and impact play, to polyamory, to microphilia/macrophilia, and covers size dysmorphia and kink-related fantasies.)

I didn’t expect that it would take a pandemic and a racial justice uprising for me to finally sit down and write a review about a phenomenal book on sex research for my kink blog. Here’s the reason I hope you’ll read this. People are having huge emotional responses that they don’t have the space or tools to fully process; they are also judging others/feeling ashamed for not wanting sex right now, while others are having the same response to those who do want sex right now. Research shows sex desire can decrease for some and increase for others during times of great stress, and that both are normal and healthy. Sex-positive spaces like #SizeTwitter should make space for both responses, and might already be able to provide tools to help process big emotions.

Taking Up Space

Portrait of Elle Largesse by DTV_art
Portrait of Elle Largesse by the talented DTV_art, https://twitter.com/dtv_art

Last weekend I reached 700 followers as @mightytinygiant on Twitter, and have decided to celebrate by sharing two things that are important to me. After nearly half a year on hiatus to heal from depression, it’s good to be back. I’m grateful for all the support I’ve received and the messages urging me to take care of myself. The writer is worth more than what they write.

The first thing I’m thrilled to share is this gorgeous portrait of me by the talented and friendly DTV_art. I have admired her work for years, since I first laid eyes on her Tumblr treasure trove of lovely queer Giantess girlfriends and sizeshifter boyfriends and so many gorgeous Giant/tiny moments. Trust me, she is so incredibly skilled and talented and awesome and her work is queer-friendly and romantic AF. I am humbled by the way she took my photograph and translated me into my most femme-tastic witchy woman sizeshifter self. As of this writing, she is still open for commissions!

The second celebratory tidbit I’m sharing with you lovely folks today is one of my favorite pieces of writing, first shared on Tumblr, January 12, 2016. I was struggling then with depression and size dysmorphia, just like I have been this year. I have made huge strides this summer with therapy—thank the Gods for sex-positive, kink-positive, polyam-friendly therapy—and for insurance to help me afford it. More people should have access to that kind of healing.

That support has given me the hope I needed to delve into my feelings about my body and my writing. I’ve been revisiting what I love most about what I’ve written. I’ve been working on befriending my body and accepting that the way she feels large or small may actually be healthy for me, even if it’s not a thing people commonly feel. Commissioning a portrait of myself as a new avatar is part of that work, and I’m grateful for DTV working with me to get it right.

It’s okay to feel small. It’s okay to feel large. It’s okay to take up whatever space you need to take up, in this world. I need this reminder now, as much as I ever have. Maybe you do, too.

 

TAKING UP SPACE

Sometimes when you grow, you’re scared of ruining your clothes or destroying your favorite pair of shoes. Sometimes you’re just scared of how they constrict you, how a necklace could choke you or a beloved coat could trap you like a straight-jacket. But not always.

Sometimes when you grow, shredding through your layers of fabric and fashion feels better than breaking a chain with your bare hands. You’re no longer made for the world of thrift shop jeans or business casual blouses. You can stop worrying if it looks wrong. It belongs to the person you used to be when you still apologized for taking up space.

Small wonder, then, when you stretch your shoulders just to feel the seams tear. When you breathe deeply so the hooks on your bra unbend themselves, unable to hold the glory of your breasts as they grow in size, weight, and consequence. You roll your hips and savor the shredding sound of that pencil skirt you used to love, which has been too small for far too long. It slips to the ground like a memory, followed quickly by the remains of your panties. The lace surrendered by unknitting itself. It wasn’t up to the task of containing the beauty of your other massive assets.

Tearing through the leather on your high heels seems almost obscene, but deep down you offer it like a sacrifice. Your bare feet fill the ground with presence. The crown of your head lifts above the crowd where you walked alone in your smallness.

You feel your own beauty as you never have before. With awe and gratitude and no regrets. You see the world differently and know yourself fully as you grow in all directions, pushing outward, but especially upward.

You have every right to stand tall no matter your size. Breathe deeply in the body that bears your heart, and never apologize again.

Size Dysmorphia: A Sizeshifter Origin Story

A small, pale human figure is shown reclining in a red and pink anatomical depiction of a heart. Veins, arteries, and capillaries twine around the tiny person's arms and legs like tree roots. Artwork credit to Shelia Liu.

Heart, by Shelia Liu[Shared under a Creative Commons Attribution, NonCommercial, NoDerivatives 4.0 License.]

Content warnings: some NSFW artwork and language, discussion of body dysmorphic disorder, gender dysphoria, grief, gun violence, depression, neurodivergence, kink, microphilia, macrophilia, and shame

See my Size Dysmorphia / Size Euphoria page for a shorter introduction to these concepts and updated information after my 2021 diagnosis of Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.

 

Introduction: arguments with my body

It won’t surprise you that I’m sitting at a table in a chair with my feet on the ground, while my hands type comfortably on a laptop. You—and most of the people who know and love me—might be intrigued to know that my senses also tell me I can lift my hand and touch the ceiling with no trouble, because it’s dangerously close to brushing my head.

Would you like me to open the front door, fifteen feet away? It’s within easy reach. Or, at least, that’s the argument my body makes.

My senses agree I’m sitting at the table in the usual way, but they also feed me contradictory information about the walls seeming to close in around me, about how there’s no space for my knees and legs between the table and the wall, no way this chair should be able to support my weight, and no way that my fingers could possibly type on a laptop that feels like a toy for a doll.

If I close my eyes, the sensation intensifies and logic takes a backseat to a kinesthetic awareness of overwhelming size. Some days I feel overwhelming smallness instead, as if everything is huge and heavy and beyond my isolated reach.

Luckily for me, if I open my eyes again, I’m able to use the visual information to combat the strange, contradictory physical information. I concentrate on the evidence of my eyes and wage a war against my kinesthetic senses—the same kind of battle I’ve been fighting quietly since childhood.

In some circles, this experience is known as size dysmorphia: a sense that your body’s size feels larger or smaller than you know it to be.

I know that I stand five feet, two inches tall. I know that my body does not change in size. And yet, it’s as if some ancient part of my brain and body refuse to completely accept this data.

Sometimes it happens without warning, like a radio shifting channels and offering music and static from two different stations. Sometimes I go for days without noticing anything unusual, my broadcast uninterrupted on a steady playlist of “five-foot-two” with no interruptions.

When I feel a sizeshift coming on, sometimes I groan inwardly and grit my teeth. Other times, I try to induce the feeling myself, just for the sheer joy and arousal and exhilaration of it. Few sensations are as empowering as a sense that you stand twice as tall as everyone around you.

Until about three years ago, I refused to tell anyone.

I assumed I would take the secret to my grave.

 

ADULT CONTENT WARNING

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