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Category: Musings

Candy’s Girlboss Night Off: Chapter 2

Can you believe I’m already back with Chapter 2? The feedback from the first chapter was so lovely I decided that I don’t want to wait to make my readers “live vicariously through Candy,” as SizeFreakBella put it.

Besides, today is the last day of Pride Month! Bring on the sapphic size kink erotica!

See the first chapter here, along with an essay on:

  • bigger tits and breast expansion
  • where you can find real-life pussy plugs for $25 like the one in this story
  • a behind-the-scenes look at writing a first-person POV bimbofication story that doesn’t sacrifice evocative language

Skip to the story content section if you want to jump right in.

Candy’s Girlboss Night Off: Chapter 1

Happy Pride Month to all my queer and trans friends! What a hellacious time to be alive. Since everyone I care about is struggling, myself included, I decided I wanted to offer something comforting. (I won’t be talking politics in this post, but I do offer empathy, a pep talk, and action items here.)

I hope you’ll enjoy Candy’s Girlboss Night Off, since I wrote it to be cheerful, fun, loving, and full of sapphic size kink sex.

I’m releasing the story in four chapters, roughly 8200 words. I had hoped to release it all during Pride Month. But at least I’m starting it in Pride Month. I’m cutting myself some slack and will be going at whatever pace feels best for my mental health. (If you need permission to do the same, I hereby grant you all the permission you need. Imagine me as a tiny “Angelle” on your shoulder saying, it’s good to take care of yourself.)

Skip to the story content section if you want to jump right in.

Stay Strong

I’m writing to offer an update, a pep talk, and a reminder about some resources that might be helpful right now. This is longer than I intended, which is very in-character for me, and it’s also shorter and less polished than I want it to be, because I am honoring my limits today.

If you’re here to contribute to the mutual aid effort I made this weekend for SizeCon event supplies, scroll to the section below Protect is a verb.

Content tags: this article discusses mental health, COVID, wildfires, censorship and banning books erotic content, and activism efforts against fascism. As always, I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.

 

Personal update

I’ve been on hiatus for many months now due to a bad writing-related injury. Creatives—please take steps to care for your hands and arms as you work. Especially if you live in the US and have to rely on our “healthcare” system to see you through it. Don’t risk it!

My hiatus is also due to the fact that I feel caught in limbo between the platforms of Twitter and BlueSky because I don’t have the capacity to transfer over hundreds of muted words. My mental health has been so rough that I can’t really join the transition to #SizeSky until I figure that out. (I did offer some tips here.) I’m glad that muting became a feature last year, but until I can manage to face a wall that was built, brick by brick, of my hard-limit content, I’m feeling back to square one.

I’ve been making slow, small progress in backing up my stories to Archive of Our Own, AO3, the platform that actually won a Hugo back in 2019. It’s largely for fanfiction, but many original creative works live there too, and a surprising number of my most beloved authors seem to have made their start there. If you want to support me creatively right now, then offering kudos, comments, and bookmarks to my stories on AO3 will help me connect with my audience.

I’m not planning to share anything there that won’t be living here on my website as well, but in this uncertain world where romance authors can be locked out of their own Google Drive accounts, and where Project 2025 is taking aim at all explicit sexual content, it seems wise to at least try to have my content in multiple places. I’m backing up my work and website on external hard drives and the cloud, but honestly after the loss of Tumblr in 2018 I don’t trust any platform completely. Have you backed up your work?

 

Update on porn & book bans

Please watch this 9-minute video on Project 2025 as it is urgently relevant to romance writers, erotica writers, librarians, sex workers, and anyone who reads or consumes romance novels or porn. Quoting from Project 2025:

Pornography should be outlawed. The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned. Educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.

Project 2025, page 5

Source for the direct quote here, with longer quotes, definitions, and additional analysis. The book ban has already begun in Oklahoma and Florida:

Infographic titled Who would be affected by Project 2025’s Porn Ban? Labeled bubbles answer the question. Drag Performers (with a picture of RuPaul). Creators of LGBTQ+ Books (picture of LGBTQ+ book stack). Adult Entertainers and Sex Workers (picture of a computer open to OnlyFans). LGBTQ+ Musicians (picture of Chappell Roan), Romance Authors (collage of romance books). Teachers and Librarians (picture of a young woman librarian putting a book on a shelf). Sex Educators (Cartoon of three children reading a health book). Fic Writers and Fan Artists (picture of someone holding a smart phone open to AO3 Homepage). Sex Positive Artists (picture of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion on WAP cover). Makers of LGBTQ+ movies (screenshot from Love Simon). Caption “...and you!!! A person who enjoys the works of these creators.” Project 2025 Truth dot com slash porn dash ban. Link to image Infographic. The Republicans want to ban all porn. You may be surprised how they define that. Underneath, cover art for three teen friendly sex-ed books teens: It’s Perfectly Normal, Sex Education for Teens, and Welcome to Sex! At the bottom, text reads, "The book ban has already begun in Florida. Stop it with your vote in November." Project 2025 Truth dot com slash book hyphen ban.

 

What to do

If, like me, you are confused, exhausted, and overwhelmed, I’m going to offer some resources for what to do.

My top tip? You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Look for the helpers. Look for people already doing the work and ask what they need. Then the leadership can come from those closest to the issues and most familiar with the nuances and actions that are most helpful.

Mutiny of a Mistress

Hello, my lovely readers! I am back from a long and much-needed hiatus with a new story. Perfect for fans of Jane Austen and Bridgerton, this 4000-word erotica is my kinky idea of what a lady in the Regency Era might do with shrinking powers, if she were horny and fed up with the patriarchy. (Honestly, mood.)

Skip to the story content section if you want to jump right in. Mind the content tags!

This is the second in a series of historical erotica set in different time periods. The first was Anne and the King’s Miniaturist, a size kink scene between a Duchess and an artist with a secret, set quite literally against one of the most notorious paintings of King Henry VIII’s reign. I have plans for at least two more stories, so stay tuned.

And because I can’t help myself—dear reader, you know how I get off to essays about kinkhere’s some background on why this story took me two years to publish, and thoughts about embracing the transgressive and monstrous fantasies of femmes.

 

When Darkness Lights Your Fire

I wrote this 4000-word story in December of 2022 after reading (and then immediately re-reading) the incredibly sexy queer historical romance A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall. I’d also been watching Bridgerton, featuring more than one plot about women scheming their way through the Regency Era social ladder. I found myself fantasizing about a woman using size kink magic in a role reversal, a moment of dominance in which she would fight for a better situation in a patriarchal world. My story felt dark and sexy and it turned me on, so I had no trouble putting words on the page.

Then, for various (internalized kink-shaming) reasons, I decided I should try to challenge myself to write a gentle version to release alongside it. After all, the book that put me in this mindset was full of sweet, earnest lovemaking. Surely I could do justice to a version of this story that followed a similar tone? I have so many friends who prefer gentle content, it seemed like a lovely option to offer.

I put in a couple months of work trying to figure out how to rework the characters’ motivations and get to some kind of angle that felt sexy. After all, I’m not heartless. I have two loving partners and enjoy sex with feelings all the time. I read plenty of romance novels—well, queer ones, anyway. So, why did I stall out 2000 words into the new draft? Why was I unable to make progress on it for an entire year?

I thought I could get myself interested again by watching all six hours of the 1995 BBC Pride & Prejudice with some lovely size writer friends on a Discord server. We even followed it up with the 2005 version that gave my younger self such a bisexual crisis with that sexy rain-drenched scene. I enjoyed the films and the company and the nerdy literary analysis. But in the back of my mind I kept asking myself why immersing myself in Regency Era romance for eight hours didn’t do the trick. I couldn’t even bring myself to open the document, let alone write a satisfactory gentle sexy scene. Why?

I have some theories. My therapist probably does, too.

And if you’re a fan of my work, you may have read my previous essays on the way nonconsensual fantasies turn me on in fantasy and horrify me in real life, and all the energy I have put into navigating that as consensually as possible. So, yeah. I have theories of why it was hard for me to wave the magic writing wand and produce a softer, safer, and more socially acceptable version of this story.

But honestly? It doesn’t really matter why the gentle fantasy isn’t exciting me. It’s not “lighting my fire,” as my partner pseudo put it so poetically.

The dark version excited me. A lot. It felt really fucking good to write it. It feels good to re-read it.

And after co-facilitating the Size Ladies and WLW socials at the wonderful SizeCon Micro last weekend, I had more than one excellent conversation with other women in this community who have similar struggles. How hard it can be to embrace our fantasies as they are, when we’re aware how much they deviate from socially acceptable scripts of womanhood. How frustrating it is that many men in the community want us to deliver a very specific version of a giantess “empowerment” fantasy on a silver platter that prioritizes their gaze and consumption. How it’s hard, sometimes, to even admit what really turns us on. Even to ourselves. How lonely that can get.

Many of us talked about how much it meant to us to discover other femmes making art and writing stories in the size kink world. Especially the creations that are unabashedly true to our own turn-ons, not just what we think we should want to write or draw.

It’s okay that I’m struggling with this. I’m writing about it here in this introduction for any other femme writer or artist out there who’s not sure if it’s okay to have these fantasies, if it’s okay to struggle with your own identity because of it. Well, it is okay. It’s okay to want something dark in your fantasy that turns you on, lights your goddamned fire. It’s okay to want something else entirely in real life. It’s okay to pleasure yourself to something dark and then cuddle lovingly with your partner.

It’s okay that I’m afraid you’ll think I’m a monster because I get off to something monstrous.

It reminds me of a scene in Ocean Vuong’s devastatingly good book On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. (I do recommend this story, especially as an audiobook, but if you pick it up, mind the extensive content tags.)

“‘You’re not a monster,’ I said. But I lied. What I really wanted to say was that a monster is not such a terrible thing to be. From the Latin root monstrum, a divine messenger of catastrophe, then adapted by the Old French to mean an animal of myriad origins: centaur, griffin, satyr. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once.”

It reminds me of what my therapist taught me about anger, when I discovered how thoroughly angry I was all the time, and how I had been raised to stifle, numb, and ignore that emotion to appear more ladylike. “Anger is often a protection or a protest. Sometimes both. Who or what is your anger protecting? Who or what are you protesting?” I think of that often when I feel overwhelmed by fury and size and feel like a Giantess because of it. Shelter and warning at once.

A page later, Vuong writes, “Possessing a heartbeat is never as simple as the heart’s task of saying yes yes yes to the body.”

What else is a fantasy, but the mind’s way of saying yes to the pleasure of our bodies? Why is that so hard to admit to ourselves and to the world? How many fantasies become buried under the most ladylike word I know—“should”?

It’s never quite as simple to say yes to our bodies, and yes to our hearts at the same time. To trust that there will still be a place for us in our social circles if we are open about the things that turn us on. Sometimes safety comes before coming out. That’s just as true with “small” secrets like specific turn-ons as it is with sharing marginalized identities.

In these times especially, it feels vitally important to look our own darknesses in the eye, to own that we can be many things all at once. To really, truly own it. To understand that any one of us can be both shelter and warning, loving and monstrous, light and dark and all the points in-between.

 

Disclaimer & resources

Beyond the realm of fantasy, I do not condone sex acts without consent. Erotic fantasy play between two individuals in reality in person and online should always include negotiation, fully informed consent, and protections such as content tags, safewords, aftercare, and emergency planning.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual harassment, trauma, abuse, or assault, I strongly suggest seeking advice and counseling from trained professionals. These are usually free and confidential. Some organizations that offer free resources are: RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) hotline at 800-656-HOPE; National Sexual Violence Resource Center to search for local help; Trans Lifeline Crisis Hotline by and for the transgender community at 877-565-8860; National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

 

Artwork

The photo I used in the banner is from Portrait of Madame Aymon, La belle Zélie by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres, 1806.

 

Support the author

Money is tight right now. I have multiple works of fiction in progress, ranging from wholesome to kinky as fuck. I’d like to continue releasing them here for free.

If you enjoy this story and want to see/hear more like it, the best way to do that is to support me financially. The few donations I get usually go right into commissioning art and paying beta readers. (The second best way is to boost the signal on my stories and encourage your friends to support me, too.) Thanks, y’all!

 

Story synopsis

Lillete has taken a lord for a lover, but he won’t consider marrying her and she’s fed up with the limits of her social station. In this darkly kinky role reversal and revenge story, watch her plan unfold to claim the life she always wanted. A story of shrinking and domination, set in Regency Era England.

 

Story content

Tagging is the only way I know for people online to be able to opt in or out of a sexual experience with fully informed consent. I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.

Tags for this story include:

Content tags: F/m, shrinking to doll-sized, noncon, coercion, magic potion, teasing, domination, classism, misogyny, role reversal, revenge, punishment, mild fearplay, humiliation, tickling, masturbation, exhibitionism, cunnilingus, fellatio, insertion, entrapment, fucking the patriarchy

 

Read the story

TEXT VERSION: Read the text version of the story behind the cut.

AUDIO VERSION: I might record audio for this story. If I get enough requests, I will move it up on my priority list.

 

2022 Recap on Creativity & Rest

(Content tags: this article contains discussion of sex, masturbation, mental health diagnoses, C-PTSD, size dysmorphia and AiWS, dissociation, burnout, panic attacks, grief, and shame, balanced with a variety of positive emotions like gratitude, hope, and determination.)

 

Instructions for Living A Life:

Pay attention.
Be astonished.

Tell about it.

—Mary Oliver

 

Achievements in context

This has been a difficult year for so many. As I see the 2022 retrospectives roll past on the timeline, I feel a mix of pride in myself and my own accomplishments, and a wish that I could put some of it in context for anyone else out there who also feels inadequate. If you feel like you haven’t done enough, or if you’re afraid to take a break because you won’t be productive, this is for you.

This year I wrote more fiction than I ever have in my life, more than 120,000 words. That’s clocking in at 2.4 NaNoWriMos! I published 80,000 words to this blog. I recorded and edited six author-read audio tracks. I also wrote a significant amount of nonfiction, including three free community resources, one of which I presented at SizeCon.

Fiction, poetry, and audio:

Nonfiction:

A horizontal graph showing word counts from 2021 compared to 2022. In 2021, Elle published 21,000 words of fiction compared to 60,000 in 2022. In 2021, she wrote 34,000 words in total and in 2022 she wrote 120,000 total. Please contact her if you'd like a full list of figures to compare.
Such a long bar graph you have, there. Is that a personal best wordcount in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I’m very proud of this achievement. And a lot of it has only been possible because my life happened to fall apart in a very specific way. There’s some socioeconomic privilege at work here, and other factors I won’t share for privacy reasons.

My life was in upheaval this year. I experienced two traumatic losses, one of which was to due to COVID in spite of vaccines and boosters. When the living situation at our last place became untenable, my polycule moved again for the second year in a row. I burned out completely on my entire nonprofit career, had two full breakdowns, and took five hiatuses from Twitter/writing that amounted to at least six months of “unproductive” rest and healing.

Size Erotica: If You Could Be a Sex Toy

I’m celebrating the start of spooky season by releasing a size kink transformation fantasy! Skip to the story content section if you want to jump right in.

I’m a witch all year round, but I like leaning into it during this time of year. Witches in kinky erotica combine some of my favorite tropes: power exchange, feminine domination, and changes like growth or shrinking without need for explanation. It also opens the door to darker elements, depending on my mood.

I wrote this while on hiatus, intending to release it without edits as a kinky scribble. I kept coming back to it, though, as one of the few things that turned me on during my month-long break. At 5560 words, with three rounds of edits, and five separate orgasms, I have to admit this thing is no longer a scribble. It’s a happy, sexy mess, and it’s time for me to let it go.

I suspect I’ve been hanging onto it out of a vague sense of embarrassment. This “living dildo” kink is one of my classic go-to erotic fantasies, but I don’t see it represented often. I almost used it for Cocktober back in 2019, but was too shy and ended up writing Trick, Treat instead. This kink also tied to one of my early mistakes in the size kink community, so there’s part of me that wants to tuck it in a drawer and pretend I never get off to this, never wrote 5,000 words about how hot I find it, and definitely never made questionable choices because of it. But, as I wrote in the Twitter thread linked above, “BDSM is a skillset, a culture, a language. We need space for people to learn safely AND a place for people to make mistakes to learn.” Hiding this kink because I made a mistake that mortified me doesn’t help anyone. Sharing a whole story instead is one way for me to fight shame and give myself the same grace and acceptance I know we all deserve.

Anyway, I don’t know how much of my size kink audience will be here for a transformation scene like this, but sometimes writing kinky stories is just about having a fantasy that turns you on and leaning into it, just because it feels good. This is what felt good to me. If it’s the kind of thing that feels good to you, too, then I hope you enjoy it!

(If not, well, stick around. I have some more mainstream stories coming soon!)

Oh, and one more note. The “prose poetry orgasms” at the end were a total experiment. Sometimes when I spend a lot of time with mind control kinks, I start thinking more in kinky poetry and less in prose. If it helps, know that I wrote most of that part one-handed~

 

Support the author

Money is tight right now. I have multiple works of fiction in progress, ranging from wholesome to kinky as fuck. I’d like to continue releasing them here for free.

If you enjoy this story and want to see/hear more like it, the best way to do that is to support me financially. The few donations I get usually go right into commissioning art and paying beta readers. (The second best way is to boost the signal on my stories and encourage your friends to support me, too.) Thanks, y’all!

 

Story synopsis

Kim convinces her friends to join her at a sex toy party hosted by the richest woman in town, hoping they’ll forget their troubles for one magical night. But as they all find out the hard way, the real magic is the sex toys they become along the way.

 

Story content

Tagging is the only way I know for people online to be able to opt in or out of a sexual experience with fully informed consent. I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.

Tags for this story include:

Content tags: F/f, shrinking, growing, noncon, mind control, mild bimbofication, mention of spanking, objectification, transformation, genital transformation, lady with a cock, growth of cock and balls, disproportionate growth, living dildo, mild humiliation, helplessness, worship, and prose poetry orgasms

 

Read the story

TEXT VERSION: Read the text version of the story behind the cut.

AUDIO VERSION: I do not currently have plans to record audio for this story. If I get enough requests, however, I will reconsider.

Hiatus How To: When, how & why to take a break from NSFW Twitter

(CW for discussion of mental health, depression, addiction, abuse, trauma, and anxiety.)

Topics in this article

 

To go on hiatus is to take a break, or to pause something that has been ongoing.

The first time I went on hiatus in an online kink community, I had a full-on hot mess breakdown. I didn’t know what “hiatus” even meant. I was terrified it would be forever, and I didn’t even know how to reassure myself, let alone the people around me. It was 2016 and I was still new to size kink as a shared experience instead of a shameful secret. I’ve come a long way. I’ve made mistakes and learned a lot. That seems worth sharing.

What this won’t be:

This won’t be an official guide. It won’t be an argument for or against leaving a community temporarily or forever, because only you can know what you need. I won’t talk about what it’s like to go on hiatus when you depend on NSFW Twitter to make money from art, writing, or sex work, because I don’t have personal experience with that yet. (If anyone does, and wants to share some advice, I’ll gladly consider quoting you!)

I also won’t pretend to understand you, your situation, or how you feel about your body or mental health. Some of my advice will be a good fit for you, and some of it you can leave. I’m not a mental health professional, and strongly recommend you consider talking with a counselor or therapist if you even halfway think you might want to try that. (Jump to the end for a list of kink-friendly therapy databases where you can look for sliding-scale and low-cost options.)

What this will be:

Hopefully, this will be a useful collection of my thoughts on my own hiatus process that I’ve developed after years of trial and error and watching friends go through the same. Some come back to the community and some don’t. Some hiatuses are scary. Some are a huge relief.

I’m writing this to you, and to the person I was during my first panicked hiatus. And to the less-than-supportive friend I have been to others going on hiatus. I’ll draw from examples in the size kink / #SizeTwitter community, but I think much of this will be relevant to NSFW Twitter or other online kink spaces in general.

I’m writing to share some questions that you might not have considered, and to point you towards some resources, and to just show that it’s okay to need a break—even from something you love.

Embracing My Inner Size Slut

I wrote this while releasing my story “Woman, in Ecstasy,” and it was so fascinating to explore that I realized it needed its own space to grow. Updated in January 2023 with more research.

(This blog post contains discussion of agency, bodily autonomy; nonconsensual themes in size play, hypnosis, mind control and bimbofication; discussion of research on sexual fantasies around forced sex; mentions of trauma and resources for survivors of sexual assault.)

Why am I writing a story about a woman losing her agency? Why am I releasing it right now, as American women are grieving the overturn of Roe v. Wade?

The short answer is that I began writing this back in April, and it’s done, and I want to share it.

The long answer? My body responds to fantasies about giving up control, especially when I’m stressed. I’m far from alone in this. Many people have fantasies about someone forcing them to do the sexy things they find most arousing. My first kink-informed therapist told me that she believed “it’s a way to give ourselves permission to explore pleasures that society tells us are taboo.”

Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20’s

 

Tl;Dr: It’s okay if your brain and body want sex when you are stressed. It’s okay if they want it less. Both are normal—even during a pandemic and an uprising. There’s science to prove it. Research also shows that big feelings (like fear of getting sick, or anger at injustice) can be processed and released before they do lasting harm to you or your life. I share excerpts from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are and two others to show how we might be able to use kink to do the same thing. 

This article is around 11200 words. If you’re not interested in the neuroscience of sexual brakes and accelerators or why we don’t have sex drives, you can skip to “How to stop stopping: taking your foot (and everything else) off the brake” to learn about using emotions to release stress. If you’re very low on energy and just want help, jump to “Completing the cycle while (ahem) laying in bed” for my recipe on how to use size kink to achieve that catharsis.

(Content tags: This article contains mentions of the pandemic, police brutality, racism, violence, murder, assault, AIDS, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and trauma responses. It also covers topics ranging from BDSM and impact play, to polyamory, to microphilia/macrophilia, and covers size dysmorphia and kink-related fantasies. I welcome help in tagging—please let me know when I have missed anything important.)

Sections in this article

Introduction

I didn’t expect that it would take a pandemic and a racial justice uprising for me to finally sit down and write a review about a phenomenal book on sex research for my kink blog. Here’s the reason I hope you’ll read this. People are having huge emotional responses that they don’t have the space or tools to fully process; they are also judging others/feeling ashamed for not wanting sex right now, while others are having the same response to those who do want sex right now. Research shows sex desire can decrease for some and increase for others during times of great stress, and that both are normal and healthy. Sex-positive spaces like #SizeTwitter should make space for both responses, and might already be able to provide tools to help process big emotions.

Taking Up Space

Portrait of Elle Largesse by DTV_art
Portrait of Elle Largesse by the talented DTV_art, https://twitter.com/dtv_art

Last weekend I reached 700 followers as @mightytinygiant on Twitter, and have decided to celebrate by sharing two things that are important to me. After nearly half a year on hiatus to heal from depression, it’s good to be back. I’m grateful for all the support I’ve received and the messages urging me to take care of myself. The writer is worth more than what they write.

The first thing I’m thrilled to share is this gorgeous portrait of me by the talented and friendly DTV_art. I have admired her work for years, since I first laid eyes on her Tumblr treasure trove of lovely queer Giantess girlfriends and sizeshifter boyfriends and so many gorgeous Giant/tiny moments. Trust me, she is so incredibly skilled and talented and awesome and her work is queer-friendly and romantic AF. I am humbled by the way she took my photograph and translated me into my most femme-tastic witchy woman sizeshifter self. As of this writing, she is still open for commissions!

The second celebratory tidbit I’m sharing with you lovely folks today is one of my favorite pieces of writing, first shared on Tumblr, January 12, 2016. I was struggling then with depression and size dysmorphia, just like I have been this year. I have made huge strides this summer with therapy—thank the Gods for sex-positive, kink-positive, polyam-friendly therapy—and for insurance to help me afford it. More people should have access to that kind of healing.

That support has given me the hope I needed to delve into my feelings about my body and my writing. I’ve been revisiting what I love most about what I’ve written. I’ve been working on befriending my body and accepting that the way she feels large or small may actually be healthy for me, even if it’s not a thing people commonly feel. Commissioning a portrait of myself as a new avatar is part of that work, and I’m grateful for DTV working with me to get it right.

It’s okay to feel small. It’s okay to feel large. It’s okay to take up whatever space you need to take up, in this world. I need this reminder now, as much as I ever have. Maybe you do, too.

 

TAKING UP SPACE

(Content tags: growth out of clothes, constriction, mention of choking, nudity, empowerment.)

Sometimes when you grow, you’re scared of ruining your clothes or destroying your favorite pair of shoes. Sometimes you’re just scared of how they constrict you, how a necklace could choke you or a beloved coat could trap you like a straight-jacket. But not always.

Sometimes when you grow, shredding through your layers of fabric and fashion feels better than breaking a chain with your bare hands. You’re no longer made for the world of thrift shop jeans or business casual blouses. You can stop worrying if it looks wrong. It belongs to the person you used to be when you still apologized for taking up space.

Small wonder, then, when you stretch your shoulders just to feel the seams tear. When you breathe deeply so the hooks on your bra unbend themselves, unable to hold the glory of your breasts as they grow in size, weight, and consequence. You roll your hips and savor the shredding sound of that pencil skirt you used to love, which has been too small for far too long. It slips to the ground like a memory, followed quickly by the remains of your panties. The lace surrendered by unknitting itself. It wasn’t up to the task of containing the beauty of your other massive assets.

Tearing through the leather on your high heels seems almost obscene, but deep down you offer it like a sacrifice. Your bare feet fill the ground with presence. The crown of your head lifts above the crowd where you walked alone in your smallness.

You feel your own beauty as you never have before. With awe and gratitude and no regrets. You see the world differently and know yourself fully as you grow in all directions, pushing outward, but especially upward.

You have every right to stand tall no matter your size. Breathe deeply in the body that bears your heart, and never apologize again.