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Size Erotica: Do for One

“By turns sweet, sexy, and intense, this story was cathartic. Clearly it was written in the moment… from a very personal place and very real struggle. The intimacy on display was beautiful.”

 

I’m proud to share “Do for One,” my entry for the My Heaven October 20 SizeRiot contest, hosted by the hardworking and talented Aborigen-gts​. As this was the final chapter for SizeRiot, a quarterly event that meant so much to me as a writer and size kink enthusiast, I worked especially hard to give it my best effort.

Given the hellacious year we’ve all endured, and the ways trauma can influence our sexuality, I was not able to bring myself to write about my ideal, quintessential size scenario like the contest asked us to. However, I am proud that I did rise to the occasion and craft a love story that “that twinges the heartstrings,” and a size story that makes me “feel less alone.” Thank you, Aborigen, for bringing us all full circle back to our roots, and for encouraging us to find safe havens for our minds, hearts, and bodies, even in a time of fear, grief, and isolation.

 

“Deeply personal”

As many readers guessed, this story comes from a deeply personal place. Facets of me and both my partners shine through in both characters. Though I changed details, the work is similar to my own career.

And although I do not actually change size like Amy, my mind gives me the sensory input that makes it feel like I am smaller or larger than reality. As with many forms of neurodivergence, some days it’s fine, some days it’s fun, some days it’s awful, and if 2020 was any indication, quarantine definitely makes it harder. If any of this sounds familiar, or if Amy’s experiences speak to you on a personal level, then you can read more about size dysmorphia in my origin story.

 

Do try this at home

If you feel an emotional release from this scene and are wondering if you could re-create Amy’s catharsis at home, I’m going to encourage you to read the article I wrote in July, Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20s.

If you’re not interested in the neuroscience of sexual brakes and accelerators or why we don’t have sex drives, you can skip to “How to stop stopping: taking your foot (and everything else) off the brake” to learn about why Amy’s catharsis works.

If you’re very low on energy and just want help, go to “Completing the cycle while (ahem) laying in bed” for my recipe on how to use size kink to achieve that catharsis. It’s not a quick fix, but I swear, this is one of the top things that has helped me manage my mental health through the pandemic.

 

Commissioned artwork

I am thrilled with the artwork I commissioned from TinyBoyToy, a talented artist from the #SizeTwitter community who creates gorgeous queer giant/tiny artwork. (Heads-up, they do sometimes post body horror content on their Patreon.) They are wonderful to work with, please commission them and help them reach 20 patrons so they can keep making amazing art!

Thanks also to the anonymous donor who contributed to my commission fund. I’m so grateful!

Illustration of a tiny nude person under the hand of a much larger person. The tiny is crying and holding their finger. The large person is visible, watching them. Around the frame are illustrations of paper, tech, headphones, and other items you'd find on a crowded desk.
Illustration credit to @TinyBoyToy. Do not repost without permission. Click to see full image. Commission the artist and support them on Patreon at https://twitter.com/tinyboytoy

Feedback & community response

I appreciate the feedback I received for this story. As always, I’m deeply grateful to my beta readers and everyone who read my work and reviewed it.

What did people enjoy most about this story? This section is longer than I usually make it, because at least half of the feedback felt like it might have meaning for others, too. And we could all use more hope and meaning right now. Here’s what the readers had to say.

“A lovely story of partners negotiating kink and size spaces.”

“Beautifully and unforgivingly human characterization… Thoughtful use of visual descriptors manages to be both vivid yet also subdued. One of my favorites of this contest. Very fine work.”

“Fantastic feeling of frustration and being trapped by her own size. The relationship felt entirety natural and I practically felt the frustration as she fought her fury out of her and the relief at the end. An impressive ride of emotion and size entwined.”

“Deeply personal read about a familiar and infuriatingly contemporary struggle.”

“Stories like this bring some hope and light, especially in a time like this. Struggling with what you can and cannot do during the pandemic, how and who we can help, or if we can do anything to take care of ourselves. This is a harsh tale, but also one with hope, telling us the need of letting go, releasing the burden. How it plays with size games, with pressure, with all the tension to fight the negativity and find the ray of hope that keeps us going. All that in this story, so well-written and so intense.”

“Heartbreaking and sexy all at once.”

“My favorite thing about this one is how it resonated with Talmudic concepts of doing good in the world, even though the world seems so big.”

“I enjoy the trope of size being connected to emotional state, and you utilize it here in a meaningful, relatable, visceral, and hopeful (“Do for one”) way. These are real characters with real fears and needs, and this is an amazing piece of fiction.”

“This is a remarkable story about personal release and catharsis through size. I think one of the most beautiful things about this fetish of ours, is that it gives us an avenue to experience being powerful, and powerless. Ways to take, and ways to give. It’s usually difficult to write something that is meant for yourself, and have it encode for anyone else. The message got through this time. The need to fight, when there’s nothing suitable to fight. This story was such a beautiful way to solve that problem, with this gift of size we’ve been given. Thank you.”

“An amazing story, and perhaps one of the first I’ve read involving a definitively non-gendered deuteragonist. Also a look into a world of safe-words. Overall, this piece is a fantastic tale crafted with care and love. I’m better for having read it, and I’ll be returning to it throughout my future; one of the best compliments I can give a work of art.”

“To whoever wrote this story, thank you for writing it. This helped instigate the best cry I had in a while, one I sorely needed, because I didn’t even know I was feeling some of these things. If these experiences are based on real lived ones, please know that you have helped me. Rare is the story that encapsulates that feeling of impotence one feels when one has power—any power—to help and still can’t. Rarer are those that validate the feelings that arise. The rage, the utter, debilitating need to *be* and *not be*, while also acknowledging the little goods, the big goods, the unambiguously valid truth that comes with being hamstrung by a world that seems insistent on ignoring pain. Life imitates art, yet art draws from life and I was still surprised to come upon a story that will likely remain in my consciousness for a while.”

Maybe I didn’t need to share all of that, but I wanted to. Both for myself, as a reminder that in spite of my insecurities, I am actually succeeding at doing what I set out to do—write sexy stories about connection and love and the human experience—and also to acknowledge that we’re all going through a lot right now.

Some folks wrote some really personal, heartfelt things to me after reading this piece. Thank you for reading, and for trusting me.

You’re not alone.

 

Read the story

AUDIO VERSION: Coming this spring, check back for a 20-minute author-read version

TEXT VERSION: Read the full story behind the cut.

Kinky Scribble: What Happens Next

Person holding a red pomelo fruit. Two fingers are pushed inside suggestively.
Photo by Taras Chernus on Unsplash, shared with a Creative Commons License.

 

Kinky Scribble installment seven! If you’re here for the sexy times, skip to the “read more.” Otherwise, continue below for an update on my inspiration for this story, why this is my first scribble in six months, and my hypothesis for why the sexy words finally, finally came. (Pun intended.)

 

Inspiration & Responsive vs Spontaneous Sexual Desire

On the surface, my inspiration for this story would seem to originate with this tweet and this tweet. If you ask to go deeper (please, deeper, harder) then I will share with you that the inspiration came from one of my first roleplay sessions with the talented @pseudo_size, a fellow polyamorous kink writer who has brought much inspiration to my life this year. You can read more of his work here, including a fantastic dark noncon commission he did for me in July. This weekend when I found myself fantasizing about two of the characters from that first February session, I messaged him privately to explore the concept, and he was very obliging with his response. It left me thirsty for more, in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

(Content warning for discussion of mental health.) My regular readers know that I’ve been struggling with trauma and a decreased desire for sex a lot this year. I won’t go into that in detail here, but I have learned a lot about the concept of sexual brakes and sexual accelerators, and how arousal works in relation to stress and mental health. My blog post Sexual Brakes, Trauma, & Kink in the Burning 20’s explores how I have used size kink in stress cycle exercises to release stress, fight depression, and find my way back to arousal.

Even with all that hard work and experimentation, in the last six months I have found my own turn-ons to be rooted firmly in responsive desire—when your brain only gets turned on when something sexy is already happening—and in my case, it’s mostly in contexts with people I trust a great deal, like my partners. Pre-pandemic, finding my turn-on for writing erotica was as easy as turning a faucet, most days. Spontaneous and fun. But in the last half year, the faucet has required some creative encouragement to function at all. For example, trying to find my turn-on for a sex scene in SizeRiot’s HistoricalJuly20 contest required patience, tremendous effort, and a lot of trial and error. It was a mental puzzle, not a physical inspiration.

So how the hell did I wake up Saturday morning spontaneously fantasizing about sex? After so long, how on earth did I finally feel inspired enough to dash off 1600 words of sensually charged erotica? With no deadline, no contest, no context of a loving partner hoping for my next kiss or my next paragraph?

I’ve only experienced spontaneous sexual desire a few times during the pandemic, and each time came directly after some stressor in my life resolved itself. The work crisis ended with a lucky break. The estranged family member answered my messages. I finally asked for help about something that had me burned out. Within 12-24 hours, each time I found myself experiencing wave after wave of spontaneous arousal. It was as if my body took a deep breath and said, “FINALLY! It’s safe enough for sexy times. Release the arousal!” 

A door in my mind opened and erotica came flooding out. 

When I shared the story with Pseudo afterward, I blushed hard at his response. “You really turned a quick few sentences about this concept from me into one of the sexiest pieces of size writing I’ve ever read.”

 

Kinky Scribble recipe & reasoning

A Kinky Scribble is a flash-fiction writing exercise idea I’ve been developing since January 2020, as a tool to break past my anxieties as a writer. Read my past Kinky Scribbles and search the #KinkyScribble tag itself on Twitter. 

The strategy is to produce creative content in a short amount of time, give it minimal edits, and then release it into the wild for others to enjoy. My goals are to practice my fiction-writing skills, to produce more content while still reconnecting with the parts of writing I enjoy most, and to re-calibrate my sense of when something is “done enough” to share.

Feel free to join in! Don’t feel obliged to follow my same format of listing my word count and writing/editing times. It’s really useful to me to re-calibrate my time estimates, and to prove to myself that I can make good content in uncomfortably short time frames.

And speaking of comfort zones, I strongly encourage all #KinkyScribble creators to tag their content so that readers can opt in or out with fully informed consent. I’m not perfect about this, but practice has been helping, and I’m committed to doing better in the future.

 

Kinky Scribble: What Happens Next

(Content includes: F/M/f, cunnilingus, face sitting, teasing, begging, PIV sex, growth/shrinking, consensual non-monogamy, insertion)

1657 words; 1.5 hours writing time, 20 minutes of editing in two rounds

Kinky Scribbles: Big Day

Thanks to Elvin Ruiz for making this photo available freely on @unsplash with a Creative Commons License – https://unsplash.com/photos/jfnFxUZ3NGg

Round two of my Kinky Scribbles experiment to help me get words on the page and lower the stakes of writing.

I’m dealing with big feelings from my size dysmorphia today, so it’s the only thing I can think of to explore right now. For the record, I’m typing on my phone to make this quick, and as always it’s very surreal. Somehow it’s not as bad as typing on the computer, though, so that’s something.

All right. Ten minutes, no pressure, no plan. Let’s see what happens.


Kinky Scribbles: Big Day

(M/m, male Giant, growth, clothes tearing, oral)

680 words

Ornamental: An erotic holiday story

A red Christmas tree ornament on a wooden table.
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash, shared with a Creative Commons License: https://unsplash.com/photos/AF_4tBQjdtc

“It’s magic,” Irena whispered. She, too, ran a finger down Mora’s tiny body and the tiny woman felt more beautiful under their shared gaze than she had in years. She felt strangely powerful, in spite of her size…

“And so, shrunk down, strapped to a tiny dildo, little more than decoration for a party she should have been hosting, Mora shuddered and spasmed and cried out with her first orgasm of the day.”

 

Hello, my lovelies! One of my goals for the new year is to share more imperfect writing, so today I’m sharing a Winter Solstice gift: an 11K word sizeplay story featuring lesbian sex at a holiday party, succubus magic, shrinking, objectification, mind control, humiliation, dubcon, unaware, scissoring, mouthplay, insertion, and so many orgasms I literally stopped counting.

I was inspired by this tweet from @CallMeIthaca:

I responded with this retweet, but the fantasy stayed with me and I decided to try it in a story.

I wrote it in one marathon writing session, and I’m deliberately giving it to you after only two hours of editing today. Why? Because stories that collect digital dust in my files don’t bring pleasure to anyone. Editing is good, but editing as a way to postpone being vulnerable is not serving my goals as a writer. I have to learn that it’s better to let them go before I’m completely satisfied. (I’ll never be completely satisfied.) In an effort to re-calibrate my sense of “this is good enough to release into the wild,” I’m going to share more content with deliberately fewer rounds of editing. I’m tired of holding back, so I’m going to let myself be imperfect. It seems like the only way forward.

One other thing holding me back is that I know I will need content for Kindle once I begin publishing. I write a story and stare at it, deliberating. Should I post it to my website and share it for free? Should I hold onto it and polish it more and publish it on Kindle? Or is it possible that maybe, just maybe, these questions are keeping me frozen in place, not sharing content or moving closer to my goal of publication?

This story is a little messy. It’s a little dark, because I was in a dark place when I wrote it, and all I wanted was to be owned and objectified and to lose myself in pleasing someone else. There were parts I considered cutting, parts I think need more polish and clarity.

But you know what? Sex is messy, too. I have never had a single experience of perfect sex, and if I had waited for perfection I would have missed so many wonderful, beautiful, intense moments of intimacy and connection with real, genuine, messy, and sexy people. I would never have had any sex at all, and sex is one of my favorite pastimes! So. Fuck perfection. Have some free erotica.

[Update on 11/27/20: I wanted to share this again but couldn’t resist one more round of edits for clarity and consistency. I should probably ask someone to tie me up before I go in for more…]

Read the full story behind the cut.

 

ADULT CONTENT WARNING

This site includes content intended for adults only. Depending on your location, you must be at least 18 or 21 to enter. If you’re under 18 and are seeking sex positive resources, stop reading now and visit scarleteen.com.